Monday, 3 May 2010

A whole bunch of maybes and a pocket full of tears

I just want to write a blog. To get it off my chest. To stop me from saying the same thing over and over and over again to my friends. To stop me gasping for breath and to stop me crying a flood of tears.

Part of me hopes my words will be beautiful, that they will fill the page delicately with my new found heartache, that they will touch people and let them see honestly, just how numb and hurt and betrayed as I feel right now. But I cannot promise that. All I can promise is that these words will be true.

I've wrote before about heartache. God knows I have. About the boys who have wronged me. About when the one who you thought was going to be the one who fixed it turns out to be the one who hurts you most of all. About the cheating boy. About the liar. About the boys I hate. About the ones who have made me cold. About the best friends.

And about "the boy".

The one who I honestly, truly, above anyone else I thought - I
knew - was going to going to be a keeper. The one who was going to make me trust again. The one who was going to stay throughout all of my emotional crap all the other boys had left me with. The one who was going to make me trust again and learn to love again. About the one I thought was going to be my Prince Charming.

Apparently I was wrong again.

I've said it before and I will say it again - I always know. I know when something is wrong, when things aren't going right. And I tell my friends, and they convince me, they promise me, that I am just being paranoid, that I am just being a worry guts and that I have nothing, at all, to worry about. But in the end I am always right.

I knew again. That he was being weird. That things were going wrong. That he was being distant. And I tried to convince myself that it was my hormones, that I was being silly, that he was just distracted because of his fight. And I believed me.
Because I believed him.

To have your heart broken is painful. To have your heart broken by your best friend is soul destroying. To have your heart broken by your best friend who promised from the beginning when you told him you were worried, when you said you didn't want to rush into things, that you didn't want to get hurt again and that you didn't want to lose your best friend again, that that would never happen, that he was in it for the long haul, does exactly what it says on the tin.

People can talk, and they can judge. They can say that after barely two months you can't love someone enough to feel like this. They're wrong. This wasn't just a first time, this was a second time. A second chance. To undo all the crap I did to him before, to make up for all my mistakes and to love him the way I only wish I had been brave enough to the first time. This was my second chance so of course I fell in to it irrationally.

I gave it my all because I believed in it. And I still do.

He says he loves me. With all his heart apparently. Yet apparently a whole heart is no longer enough. Not when that heart is shared with other people. And it doesn't matter than those other people do not love him back. It doesn't matter than I am the one who sticks by him, who cares for him, who stays awake with him, who just watches him, who goes to see his fights and cheers him on. None of that matters when parts of the 'whole heart' that is given to one person is being shared between many.

Maybe he doesn't know what real love is.
Maybe he is taking everything he has for granted.
Maybe, hopefully, in the morning he will regret all of this.
Maybe he will read this and realise just how much he is throwing away for the sake of a list of girls who will never care for him in the way I do.

And for tonight at least, I will live on these 'maybes'. I will wish and pray and hope that I wake up in the morning to "the boy" I fell for, not just once but twice. And I will fight for him. Because surely something this precious should not be let go of without a fight.


Anonymous said...

I've been where you are. I waited a fought for love, and it worked out. after 3 years of heartache I finally got my prince charming. And although the wounds don't heal fully, they do heal. and you forget , and its worth it.

maybe your guys the one, maybe he's not

but when you find the person to make everything right , and you will, all the hurt won't matter anymore.

sorry if this sounds patronising, just wanted to tell you , theres light at the end of the black hole, no matter how dark the hole seems.


Mustard Bean said...

thank you. that means a lot.

Post a Comment