Saturday, 1 May 2010

Not your typical love story

They always show it in films. Boy meets girl. They begin to fall in love and somewhere along the way boy screws over girl. She gets hurt and is lost for a while. Then things change when girl meets nice boy. They fall in love and it's a happily ever after ending.

Not quite.

They neglect to show the bit where girl is so damaged by what the first boy did to her that no matter how perfect and lovely and special and silly and fun and nom the nice boy might be, she can't help but put him through the ringer. The bit where she still cries at night because she is so annoyed at herself for still being so insecure and paranoid. The bit where she spends moments of her days second guessing every word, action and motive, because that is what boy number one taught her best. The bit where she is scared, petrified, of pushing the nice boy away with all her emotional crap. And she knows it is, and she knows that this boy will never hurt her because he was a friend before anything else, and she knows that she can trust him completely and that his being distant at times is nothing more than a slight distraction from other commitments he has, and she knows that even though he doesn't say it often that he does care about her greatly because even just the smallest thing, like a wink across the classroom or a gentle stroke along her arm as he passes her in the canteen, tells her exactly just how much he already cares for her.

Yet despite all of this, boy number one, the one who should never even have had the chance to, damaged her more than any other person on this planet and that he continues to day by day with the emotional baggage he makes her carry round with her. And even when her past catches up with her and begins to intrude on her new life with her new lovely boy, even if it only be for a minute, that is a minute he has managed to ruin for them. A minute whereby she may just have pushed the new boy a little bit further away from her. A minute where she has just closed herself off that little bit more. A minute she will never get back.

A minute is everything.

So for all of these minutes I spend allowing my past to affect my future, I would like to say sorry and prey that I am lucky enough to have found the boy who will pursue through my baggage until eventually my bag is empty. The boy who makes me smile like no other and who will not take it away from me like so many have before. The boy who means it when he tells me how he feels about me and says that he is in it for the long haul.

And while I spend this time wishing and hoping that this is that boy, I promise I will and I am, doing my best to stop allowing my past to come back to me.

A little bit <3

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