Tuesday, 31 August 2010

By Popular Demand

Tomorrow I move into my new house. The house I will share with some of my closest friends. The house that will see me through my final year of uni. It is the house I was supposed to be sharing with the boy. Months before even thinking of packing my things to move in to the house, before even packing up my belongings to move out of 'The Bungabow', I was dreading living here. Scared to live with the boy when the boy was no longer my boy.

I cried for months, literally. Unable to think about anything other than facing living with a person I still had such strong feelings for. Made that much harder by knowing that he didn't feel the same. Knowing that I had lost one of my best friends, not only my boyfriend.

I moved out of 'The Bungabow' where so many memories belonged, back home, to my safe place. The place where he had no marker. Where he had never been. The place that was truly mine.
I logged on Facebook and felt my safe place slowly fade away. He had been there, visiting another friend. They had been to the shopping centre just streets away from my house, they had been to my friends work, got drunk, hung out. He now had his mark there too.

I went to Brighton to visit my best friend, the one who has been there for me quite possibly more than anyone else I know, and he had been there too. He had his memories there and I had mine. Separate of course, but all the same, they were there.

So I went to London, did a show. Met some amazing funny caring beautiful people and still all I could think and worry and cry about is how on earth I was going to cope, spending my last year of uni living with the-no-longer-boy.

Then I got a text that quite literally has changed everything.

The boy is no longer moving in, he got asked to live with some friends he hasn't had as much time seeing over the second year, so he thought he'd take this last opportunity to rebuild those friendships, spend the final year with them.

Some of my other house mates were livid, some took the news quite well. As for me, I cried. It was selfish, but I was angry. Angry that I had wasted three months of my summer crying over a problem that no longer existed. Angry that I had wasted all that happy time, not being happy. I was angry at myself for not being concerned about how this could affect our own contracts come September. I was angry at him for not rising to my want of an argument when I text him about it. I was angry when I finally read the Facebook message that told his nine friends he wasn't going to live in the epic house that is 61. And then I was angry at my friend who told me to grow and pair and get over it.

But I did get over it. I sat down and I thought about it. I talked to my friends in London about it, people who had no idea who this boy was or why I had found him so special. People who would look in, truly, completely, honestly, from the outside.

It was during these talks that I realised that I was over it. All of it. The breakup, the pain, the crying, the worrying, the friendships gained and lost. That I had maybe been over it a longer than I thought I had.

I had spent so much time worrying about what might be that I had missed out on three months of what was.

So tomorrow marks the day that I move in to the house that will see me through my final year of uni. The house which already has had its own little emotional roller coaster. The house which I cannot wait to move in to, to explore, to make new memories in. And most importantly, to laugh in.

I told my friend last night that as happy as I finally am, I do wonder what I am supposed to do with all this spare time on my hands. For the first time in about two years my mind isn't occupied worrying about some boy, some new heartache, some new way in which I've been wronged. And as lovely and incredible as it is, I do often wonder what I used to think about and talk about before the screw ups to the human race made an appearance in my life.

I guess I'm about to find out <3

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Guess who's back

Sometimes, after all the shit life throws at you, you find that happy place that you have read about in books ever since you were little, that you have seen countless times in films, that you have dreamt about every night that you have managed to escape the nightmares and you have been promised actually does exist by every friend you have ever self-pityingly shared your problems with. And when you find that place, it is much much more beautiful than you ever could have imagined. I am quite honestly, completely, gratefully and thankfully the most content I have been in years. Bring on the rest of 2010.. I'm ready, waiting and smiling like Santa on Christmas morning while drinking his morning cup of tea :)

Saturday, 14 August 2010

sometimes the most selfish of things can be the best way out
the end x

Sunday, 1 August 2010

It's that time again

I am currently sipping tea in the room of one of my bestest friends after a week of invading his house, eating his food and drinking his drink. It has been an amazing week.

And while I sip this tea that his Dad has so kindly made me in an actual teapot I wait the departure time of my train. The train which will move me on from my week in Burgess Hill and onto my three weeks in Battersea Park, sleeping on the floor with ten of the most wonderful, kind and talented people I have ever know, most of whom I have not seen for a year.

I met these amazing people a year ago while I spent two weeks in Greenwich working at Laban Dance Studios with National Youth Theatre. They made my summer last year and I am sure they will, once again, make this one.

We are going to be spending three very busy busy weeks devising, rehearsing and performing as part of NYTs summer season, in what is going to be their most ambitious production to date. It is called S'Warm and looks into Einstein's theory of the death of the Bea equalling the death of the planet and will involve 500 NYT members.

As far as I am aware my small group of friends from Summer Course 2009 - Course 21, will mostly be there, sleeping on the floor of probably the most generous person I know.

This summer has already been amazing, recording in the studio with my best friend on his solo album, and now I get to do this too. I cannot wait for this summer to commence!

[21] <3