Friday, 23 December 2011

I never knew being deleted could hurt so much

We're all used to it, being someone's 'friend' until suddenly one day you go to cyber stalk them and you suddenly have no access, you've been deleted, removed, and yeah you feel a bit put out because you'd been looking forward to this little nose since you and a friend had had a gossip about them a few days previous, but in the end no real harm is done and you forget about it and move on. But what about when the person who deletes you was once one of the most important people in your life, the person you would quite honestly call your closest friend, the person you did everything with and told everything to. What do you do then and most importantly, how are you supposed to react?

I should have seen it coming, we haven't really spoken since May, and that was the first time since about January, so even though I knew we weren't the friends we had previously been I still knew that we had some form of connection into each others lives, that there was still hope, and although it hurt to know that I had lost one of my most treasured friends, it gave me that little bit of something to keep me hoping.

Today I lost that bit of hope.

A text from a friend informed me that she had been deleted, part of me felt that I should be exempt from such an action, but I soon found out that I was not. I too had been deleted.

Words cannot describe how much that hurts.

I know it may seem dramatic and over the top, to react so emotionally to someone deleting a person off Facebook, but this wasn't any old aquantence, this was my best friend.

He was the person who on the first night of meeting offered me his bed to sleep in when I had nowhere else to go, the person who offered his food to me, who would drive me round aimlessly whenever I got my heart broken. He was the person who I always knew I could call any minute of the day, the person I drove over 30 miles with at 4am in the morning just to get a McDonalds. He was the person I went to stay with in the summer, and who came to stay with me too, the person I took walks in the snow with, and gave the rest of my drink to. He was the one who when my Mom had her stroke I asked to drive me the hour journey home so I could see her, even though the friend I was already with had already offered; it was him I wanted there. He was the person I text in January when things were getting on top of me, just to say that I needed my friend there that night, and he was the one who showed up and watched endless Greys with me despite the awkward few months we had previously had and he was the person I went to first when we got broken in to that same night.

He was the person I never had any doubt about being best friends with until the fateful day when life escapes our bodies.

And he is the only friend it has hurt this much to admit I've lost.

I know that old saying about some people are only meant to pass through our lives for a brief moment, but I never expected him to be one of them.

I'm not sure where it really all went wrong or why we became this, but I do know that he is the friend I will always tell my children stories about because even now, even today, with all this hurt, he is still the one friend I can't stop texting other friends about talking about old memories.
My time with him as a best friend will stay with me forever, and if one day he sees this, or has a change of heart, I will always be waiting with open arms to let him back into my life, because even now I find it hard to believe that we have amounted to this.

I miss you, Jake. I only wish you knew how much.