Monday, 19 October 2009

Over - 17.10.09

I think I’m ok now. I think all I needed was to see you and ignore you. To know that I had the strength to just move on and walk on by without any kind of acknowledgement. I saw you, once, twice, three times, maybe more, who’s counting, and one of those times you must have seen me too, maybe there were times you saw me and I didn’t see you, point is, you never once came up to me. You never once text me first. You never once invited me round or suggested doing something together.

It has taken me a long long time to realise this, but I did everything. All the running, all the waiting, all the texts, all the crying, all the arguing. All the caring. All the feeling. I did it all, and you let me. You let me chase after you like some puppy with a ball, you let me wait for you until you were ready, even though you never were, you let me do all the starting conversations, all the texts, all the calls, all the random bumpings in to each other, you let me do all the crying about us when in reality there never was an ‘us’, you let me argue with you and get upset, you let me spill all my feelings for you and you never once had the decency to let me know I was wasting my time. Even though you always said you would. You let me care, about me, about you, about us. About what was happening, more importantly about what wasn’t. You let me feel for you and you fed me lies about you feeling for me too but I’ve finally realised now that that’s all it was, lies. You never cared for me the way you said you did. You never wanted to try again. You never wondered what I was doing while you sat at home doing nothing or lazed about work. You never once thought to text me first and it was probably an effort for you to reply when I text you. Never once did you wipe my tears or offer to make them stop. Never once did you tell me the truth and just say ‘It’s not going to happen’. Maybe because you never had the guts, maybe because it never crossed your mind just how much you were affecting me, maybe because you wanted to see how far you could push me before I broke. Maybe because you wanted to watch me fall apart just so you could know that you had the power to break the once strong headed independent girl that didn’t even want your number in the first place.

Maybe you feed off other peoples pain, my pain. Maybe. It doesn’t matter now though, because this time I really do have closure.

You’re not going to break me anymore.

A moment to wake up - 14.10.09

I had a dream about you last night.

At first it was a normal dream, didn’t quite make sense, places looked different but to me I knew exactly where I was. There was a big thing going on at the SU, students everywhere and you were working. I tried to avoid you as much as possible; I even went up to the top floor of the building ‘cause I knew you never worked on that floor. Eventually I was too drunk to care and I came back down to the floor you were working on to look for you. Stumbling around I saw I you and I changed my mind instantly. I turned around and started looking for my friends but it was too late, you had already seen me.

You came over to ask how I was but instead we started shouting at each other. You told me you loved me, that you always had, only, when I tried to tell you I loved you back you told me I was lying. You said the reason we never worked was because I was too afraid to let you love me. I didn’t understand how you could say those words to me; how you could try and tell me I was wrong.

I started to storm off, angry and annoyed but you followed me. I went to say something else but began feeling sick. Too much alcohol. You held back my hair as I threw up over the bridge. You didn’t say anything that night in a romantic way, you were angry. I couldn’t understand it but you were mad at me for how you felt. We argued some more and I drunkenly screamed at you, I broke down a little bit. I tried to run away but you grabbed me by the arm, pulling me into your body. You hugged me, just held me there in your massive arms and you began to talk to me. No more raised voices.

We lay on the ground just like we had so many time before, my head rested on your chest and we talked and I cried but I felt safe. The drama was over once again and we were starting to talk...

But before we could resolve anything I woke up. I tried so hard to get back to sleep, to find that moment again and carry on. For the first time in weeks I felt happy and safe and loved. But none of it was real, it was all a dream. To wake up and know that you don’t love me, that you never have and that everything you said in my dream was all imagery hurt so much. I keep thinking about it, picturing your face when you said those three words that I still long to hear.

I’ll never have a real memory of that, only the one I made up in my sleep. You’ll never hold me safe in your massive arms again, because how can that be my safe place, how can I be safe when I’m with you when you are the one who has hurt me more than anyone else.

Once your arms were my sanctuary. I never felt as safe as I did when I was locked in them, my body against yours, my head resting on your chest, your lips kissing my forehead, but it’s gone now. And no matter how much I dream about it or how real those dreams feel I’m never getting that sanctuary back.

I thought it was supposed to get easier - 10.10.09

I was always under the impression that life got easier as you got older. School’s over, the bullies have all moved on, your body has stopped changing and you’ve finally blossomed into a beautiful young adult. Girl meets boy, you fall in love and everything is sorted.

They lied.

I left school, the bullies, the girls I compared myself to because their bodies developed quicker than mine had gone and I never saw them again and I finally became pretty, just like my mother always told me I would. I found a boy and we fell in love and everything in my life had fallen nicely into place. We dated for 2 years and made plans, he was my future and nothing else mattered to me.

Then it all changed again and suddenly I’m 20 years old, in my first year at uni and living at home because I stayed for the boyfriend who just dumped me. I’m broken and completely lost. I can’t remember how to be by myself and I seem to have lost my personality. My friends, old and new, help put me back together and eventually I begin to feel a small sense of happiness.

Everything is starting to make sense again. I’m getting over the boy who broke my heart; I’m making new friends and starting to find out that I am a lot more attractive that I ever realised. I find new confidence and begin to wear clothes I never would have dared to a few months ago. I’m sleeping on peoples’ floors and accepting that although I will never live the proper fresher’s uni life I can try my hardest to make the best of a bad situation. I’m learning things I never knew before and I’m finding out so much more about myself and eventually I begin to start dating again.

Then it becomes clear to me that I’m destined to play the same scene on repeat over and over again, each time with a different boy, each time the same old story. Boy meets girl, they chat and swap numbers, they go on a date and boy never calls again, girl gets hurt again and again. And again.

Finally I meet a nice guy, someone I’ve been friends with for a few months now. The friendship is already there and he already knows all the good and bad points about me. I don’t have to try and calm down the craziness because he’s already seen it all before and oddly, that’s what he’s attracted to. It seems I’ve found my personality again.

After a month or so of dating I realise that I’m not ready for this. I think he is ready to love me but I’m not ready to be loved again yet. Part of my heart is still broken so I decide I have to end it and in the process I lose one of my best friends. This always happens when you begin dating your best friend.

Months pass with the same scene playing on repeat again. Maybe it’s my fault they never call back.

I start to lose all faith in boys and love and happily ever afters and decide I’m never going to be lucky enough to fall in love again and be loved in return. I carry on making new friends and start talking to someone I worked with years ago and haven’t seen in about 5 years. We start talking most days and build up a routine of drunken phone calls on a regular basis talking about nothing in particular.

Soon he becomes my new best friend and the person I turn to every time another boy screws me over. After a lot of comments from friends I start to form feelings for my new best friend. I can’t lose this one too. Thankfully he starts dating someone and soon enough my feelings for him evaporate and all I feel for him is the love of a best friend.

A new scene starts to play with an old flame I used to work with. I soon find out this is just another repeat of a different scene I played years ago with the same boy.

On a drunken night I start talking to a member of security at the SU bar and although I’m not interested in him at all I give him my number when he asks for it. This could be quite funny. He’s a rugby lad and a second year; everyone knows who this boy is. We start texting and although I’m still not interested in him like that, this boy has a bit of a reputation; I agree to go on a date with him. What a mistake! We meet at the uni and walk to town together under an umbrella he holds over us because he’s so tall. Five hours later and we’re still in the pub talking without awkwardness. This boy has suddenly changed my mind. He walks me to the train station and waits for my train with me, we hug goodbye and stumble over whether to kiss or not and decide on a peck on the cheek. Then we text all the way home.

He takes me out on several more dates and we start seeing each other. He makes an effort with my friends and even cooks breakfast for them all. I can’t believe this is the same boy I wasn’t even interested in a month ago, now look at me! We make plans for the summer and I think I’ve maybe found the boy I’ve been looking for.

It changes again.

It’s now the end of my first year of uni and the beginning of the summer and I’m completely smitten about this rugby boy so many people have warned me about. After spending a lot of time together and making plans he suddenly stops talking to me without warning. 3 months pass. Not a word.

Confused and upset I start to forget about the rugby lad I began to fall for and start talking to someone I went to school with. He sends me flowers asking me on a date and eventually I say yes. He drives from Wales to take me on a date and buys me a present too. This one seems different. Then suddenly I find him too interested and I get scared and begin to back away. I’ve done this a few times before too.

The boy I used to work with makes another brief appearance, still repeating that same old scene that’s been playing since I met him. He’s dating a girl I work with, then they break up, then they get back together, then they break up. This goes on for a while, each time they break up he starts texting me saying he still likes me. Whatever!

A holiday away with friends from uni changes everything when I meet the shiest boy in the club, I don’t think this one is going to mess me about. We text for months after the holiday is over and he plans to visit me when I’m in London over the holiday.

Then he’s back again. The rugby lad. 3 months without a word and suddenly he’s talking to me like nothing ever happened and is asking how my summer has been. I’m over him though so I don’t mention him hurting me and I talk to him as I would anyone else and think nothing of it. Then he texts me on my birthday, I’m surprised he even remembered! It’s not long before we start talking about what happened with us and we have an argument and I tell him I never want to speak to him again. Maybe I’m not as over him as I thought I was.

I soon change my mind and swallow a lot of pride to tell him this. Petrified of what he might say I ask him if we can try again when we get back to uni and to my surprise he says he’d like that.

Everything seems to be getting back on track, a part of course from the boy off holiday that I’m still texting. We’re now talking once a week on the phone and he sends me cute drunken texts telling me all the things he’s too shy to tell me when he’s sober. I still really like him but I also want to try again with the rugby lad. I don’t know what to do.

My London trip arrives and I get a text the morning I leave off the rugby lad telling me to have a wonderful time, again I can’t believe he remembered. My first night we text all evening, playful banter about who owes who a date and what we’re going to do when we get back to uni. This is nice; it feels how it used to.

The day out in London never happens with the shy boy off holiday and we rearrange another visit for when I move to uni. What am I doing?! I’m arranging to see two different boys! I’ve never done anything like this before and I know I’m only going to wind up getting hurt or hurting someone else but I honestly don’t know what to do.

I wait it out and talk to my friends, trying to decide which boy I want to see and the decision is pretty much made without me realising. I was never over the rugby lad. I need to give him a second chance, even if it’s just so I can get hurt again and know that I gave it everything and it just wasn’t meant to be.

Finally after weeks of waiting we’re both back at uni and see each other. It was as though nothing ever happened with us and we gracefully slide back into how we used to be together. I think this second chance was the right thing to do.

How wrong I was.

It’s now a month later and all I’ve done is get hurt by him again. I’ve seen him three more times and he was either working or on a lads night out and was slightly drunk. We’ve argued and we’ve not spoken for days. I’ve cried on my own about it and I’ve cried to my friends about it and eventually I decided he wasn’t worth it. But it’s never that easy.

I’ve deleted his number and I’ve avoided him when I’ve seen him around uni but still I can’t get away from him. I’ve fallen for him and I’ve fallen hard. All my friends have told me I can do better and that he doesn’t deserve me and I know they’re right, but as much as I agree with their words I can’t help but want to give him another chance, because I keep thinking maybe this time it will be different, even though I know it won’t be.

It all boils down to this:

Life is not fair. Don’t believe them when they say it gets easier as you get older because it doesn’t, it just gets more painful. It’s a different kind of pain to when you were at school and you got funny looks while getting changed for P.E. and it’s a different kind of pain to getting your heart broken by your first love because even when you get over that nothing is going to compare to that pain. It’s different with each boy who screws you over, and eventually the pain build and builds until you have nothing else to give. You feel empty, drained, and emotionless. You can’t laugh at the funny things because all you can remember are all the times the boy who you thought was going to change this routine of screw over after screw over actually turns out to be the biggest screw over of all. You’re annoyed at yourself for letting him get to you so many times and you’re annoyed that even though you feel like nothing has any point anymore and you spend all your spare sitting in bed wondering what you did wrong this time that you can’t help but want to text him and give him another chance just in case. You’re annoyed that you’re friends are all completely right when they say you can do better because you wish it wasn’t true and you’re annoyed at yourself for not having the strength to just forget about him.

But mostly you’re annoyed at the person who told you it all gets easier. Because so far it’s not easier at all, it’s just as hard as school was, only worse because this time it’s love that keeps screwing you over.

And that's what they call closure! - 9.10.09

It’s amazing the things that finally make you realise everything you’ve been too blind to see before, and sometimes it’s incredibly ironic. An argument can change everything, make you say things you’ve been holding in for a long time, teach you things you never knew before, it can relieve stress and make you forget everything, and sometimes it’s the bit after the argument that is the biggest eye opener.

Friday night I saw him, completely Paninied and full of life, just like I’d seen him so many times before. At first I tried to ignore him, leave him to his lads’ night out and not pester him, but he spotted me. Arm around my waist he walked up the corridor with me talking complete drunken slurs of affection. “That’s a face I know! How are you chick?”

As the banter continued we agreed he would finally sing and dedicate a song to me on karaoke and as I had been waiting so long to hear it I would be allowed to chose the song. Celine Dion “The Power of Love” came to mind, purely because it would be funny to hear a 6ft 4” Rugby lad singing the high notes. This song did not go down well with him and despite him being a Celine fan he insisted he would never be able to reach the high bits so he screwed up the paper and told me to put his name down for “Suspicious Minds”.

A little later, sober eyes saw him talking to a blonde girl who was equally as drunk as he was, but I held in the crazy and told myself it’s just a friend; he kisses all his friends on the cheek.
More banter. Who owes who a date and who is cooking for who; a debate we never ended in agreement, but it did bring a smile to my face.

More sober eyes seeing things the crazy is just waiting to go, well, crazy about... he’s with the same girl, holding her hand. I tried to remain calm, forcing myself not to get annoyed at it or upset; she was just drunk and needed holding up. Then why were their fingers linked.
Eventually I started talking to a friend who told me he had been trying to get with this blonde girl all night. And that was it, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I burst into tears. “Don’t cry. I don’t know what to do with crying girls.”

After an hour or two of sober crying, rants to my friends and talks with drunken strangers whose advice was “He’s not worth it. 1, he’s ginger. 2, he’s above average height!” I asked my friend if we could leave.

The texts start:

“I guess rugby lads are all the same” ...number deleted.

Him: “Fine can’t be arsed to argue with you anymore. Got a load of shit to deal with right now and I thought you’d understand”

“You haven’t told me ANYTHING you just ignore me like you always do. I’m fed up of falling for a guy who obviously doesn’t feel the same way. I keep getting hurt by you and I can’t keep doing it. U honestly haven’t got a clue just how much you mean to me.”

Him: “Fine don’t appreciate what the deal is. I mite be kicked out of uni on Monday but fine. Allow yourself a moan”

“How on earth am I supposed to know any of this if u don’t tell me? U tried 2 put the blame on me 4 it fuckin up last time, u can’t do it again. If ud just tell me stuff or at least say uv got stuff goin on an u need some space I’d totally completely understand and be there 4 u however u need me to be but u just don’t tell me anything. I’m not having a moan. U mean way more than 4 this to just be a moan! I’m sorry that I’v got feelings 4 u.”

Him: “K I’m private I’m sorry for that but that’s me x”

“And I get that I do but it doesn’t change the fact that u go hot and cold with me with no explanation at all and leave me feelin shit and confused an then 2nite I see u holdin hands with some girl who you’v apparently been tryin to get with all night. Maybe its silly but that really hurt! I’v walked away from so many guys th last few weeks cause all I could think of was u and how I’d hate it if it was the other way around cause I honestly thought we were gonna give us another go. I guess I was wrong”

Him: “You really think that’s the case? Ok well if that’s your impression of me then there’s no changing it”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I don’t know what to think anymore, one min ur the sweetest guy an ppl r tellin me u talk about me when u see them an th next u seem to disappear 4 days. Just please tell me what u want once and for all, I’m tired of trying to figure it out”
Him: “I’d love to tell you but I got more things going on that I don’t want to talk about. Sorry again but as I said that’s just me.”

“Where r u? Can I come see you please? I don’t wanna keep fightin over text x”

Him: “I’m about to get a lift back to mine chick x”

“Is that a yes or a no to me comin round then? U can come here if u like.. I promise I won’t pressure u into talkin bout whatevers goin on with u, I just wanna see u an get this sorted face to face x”

Him: “Well I’m pretty much back at mine now. If you wanna come over then you’re more than welcome x”

So I throw on some warm clothes, extra socks and some boots and begin my 2am walk to his but he calls and makes me get a taxi, he doesn’t want me walking around on my own that time of night. He can be sweet really.

By the time I got to his house I had calmed down and he had sobered up a little and it seemed like a moo point being there but I was just glad we could talk like normal people again. We drank tea, which he picked on me for because of how weak I have mine, and we lay on the sofa snuggled up watching TV together while I waited to find the courage to start talking about us.
When the time finally came around we talked like adults, with no interrupting, no arguing or raised voices and although we disagreed at times we let each other finish before we started to back our corner again. Then finally we were sorted. The issues had been resolved. The girl was just a friend, like I had tried to tell myself all along, my friend was wrong and I was just being paranoid. He tried to explain why his moods with me change from day to day and although I could understand I still found it hard to accept, but then so did he. One thing he said to me really stuck in my mind, “No matter what I do I’m going to hurt you.” I can’t remember if there was a sorry after that or if he was just stating it as matter of fact, but that one sentence stuck firmer than anything else that had been said that night.

Eventually we fell asleep while watching “Dirty Dancing” which was surprisingly his choice, and is also a film he can quote from in an instance. A tad worrying maybe.

In the morning we woke up and he came and lay on the mattress on the floor I had had to move to during the night because of his snoring. With his arms locked around me and his head rested in the back of my neck we drifted in and out of sleep while watching TV. This is how we spent the entire morning, snuggling up watching TV, kisses on the forehead and little play fights. Yet as perfect as it was something still felt wrong.

I left his about 3pm and as soon as I left I felt empty, tired and emotionally drained. Then it dawned on me.

This is never going to work.

If someone asked me how I feel about the last person I kissed I would say that part of me loves him and part of me hates him, but mostly I love him. I’m not in love with him, of course I’m not, but right now he is the most important person in my life. He is the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night and he is the first person I think about when I wake up. He is the person I dream about and he is the person I have nightmares about losing. He is all I think about when I walk around uni and he is the only person I want to see when I go out on an evening. When boys come up to me and start chatting, asking for my name and number and expecting a kiss at the end of the night he is the only person I want to be kissing. But I know now that it can never happen. Maybe I had it for a while, and maybe while it lasted it was a little bit perfect, if only for a day, but I can’t live in the past.

I don’t trust him. Pure and simple. I want to, and maybe I should. But I don’t. I’ve been hurt by him too many times before, whether he’s meant it or not. I can’t keep putting myself through that, handing out second chances hoping that next time it might be different. If I don’t trust him to start with then no matter what he does, he’s right, it’s not going to change my mind.

And for that I am sorry.

I am so lucky to be a part of this! - 22.09.09

Today was my final day working with Vamos Theatre. What a truly amazing experience it has been!

I feel so blessed to have been able to have the summer I’ve had. I’ve worked with a local director on a short film, I’ve been to London for two weeks training with National Youth Theatre, I’ve moved into my first home away from home and I’ve worked with Vamos for a wonderful three weeks!

There are quite literally not enough words to try and describe just how happy and thankful and fortunate I feel to have been able to do the things I have done, not only this summer but the days, weeks, months and years leading up to it!

How lucky must one girl be to be able to have her hobby as her occupation? Okay so I haven’t been paid for any of the things I’ve done this summer, in fact for some things it’s actually cost me to do, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Nothing can even begin to compare to the feeling I get when I walk on stage and begin to perform to a live audience, nothing is as encouraging as the laugher of a child or the gasp from the audience as I lift the top member of a human pyramid and begin walking around stage with them rested on my shoulders. Nothing is as powerful to me as knowing that what I’m performing right now is changing someone’s life. Knowing that I have the ability to give a group of people a voice, even if only for a moment, that is a moment longer than they had before.

To be able to take something from the past and bring it back to life, even for just three performances on one day, is a wonderful gift to give to someone, a gift that you know shall always be treasured forever after. To be able to teach children things from a past whose living links have almost all died now is a thrilling encouragement to continue what I’m doing.

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been in love with the power of performance. How something so simple can say so many things to so many different people in so many different ways. How one piece of drama can cause so many debates about a single subject. How it can give people who are afraid a voice and the strength they need to carry on, and most importantly, how it gives people the power to believe; believe that anything really is possible.

My biggest influence as I was growing up, as cheesy and big a cliché as it may sound was Disney films. They taught me to laugh and they taught me to cry. They gave me values no person ever had the ability to teach me at that age. I’ve been able to relate to them and learn new things from them as I’ve grown up. They gave me my love for singing and my passion to believe that you are able to achieve anything if you just believe. They’ve helped me stay young when I’ve needed to be a child and they’ve helped me grow up when I’ve needed to take the lead, and no matter how old I get or how many times I watch one I still feel the same magic I felt the very first time I saw it. To me, that is what performing is all about.

Finding the audiences hearts and capturing their minds. To inspire. To believe. To feel. To hate. To laugh. To love. To cry. To agree. To disagree. To see something from someone else’s point of view and to be able to understand when you couldn’t before.

Drama is such a powerful way into so many peoples hearts and minds, and I’m a part of that. I can’t thank everyone who gives me these opportunities enough. They’re changing my life everyday by letting me change others lives.

Thank you x