Monday, 19 October 2009

And that's what they call closure! - 9.10.09

It’s amazing the things that finally make you realise everything you’ve been too blind to see before, and sometimes it’s incredibly ironic. An argument can change everything, make you say things you’ve been holding in for a long time, teach you things you never knew before, it can relieve stress and make you forget everything, and sometimes it’s the bit after the argument that is the biggest eye opener.

Friday night I saw him, completely Paninied and full of life, just like I’d seen him so many times before. At first I tried to ignore him, leave him to his lads’ night out and not pester him, but he spotted me. Arm around my waist he walked up the corridor with me talking complete drunken slurs of affection. “That’s a face I know! How are you chick?”

As the banter continued we agreed he would finally sing and dedicate a song to me on karaoke and as I had been waiting so long to hear it I would be allowed to chose the song. Celine Dion “The Power of Love” came to mind, purely because it would be funny to hear a 6ft 4” Rugby lad singing the high notes. This song did not go down well with him and despite him being a Celine fan he insisted he would never be able to reach the high bits so he screwed up the paper and told me to put his name down for “Suspicious Minds”.

A little later, sober eyes saw him talking to a blonde girl who was equally as drunk as he was, but I held in the crazy and told myself it’s just a friend; he kisses all his friends on the cheek.
More banter. Who owes who a date and who is cooking for who; a debate we never ended in agreement, but it did bring a smile to my face.

More sober eyes seeing things the crazy is just waiting to go, well, crazy about... he’s with the same girl, holding her hand. I tried to remain calm, forcing myself not to get annoyed at it or upset; she was just drunk and needed holding up. Then why were their fingers linked.
Eventually I started talking to a friend who told me he had been trying to get with this blonde girl all night. And that was it, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I burst into tears. “Don’t cry. I don’t know what to do with crying girls.”

After an hour or two of sober crying, rants to my friends and talks with drunken strangers whose advice was “He’s not worth it. 1, he’s ginger. 2, he’s above average height!” I asked my friend if we could leave.

The texts start:

“I guess rugby lads are all the same” ...number deleted.

Him: “Fine can’t be arsed to argue with you anymore. Got a load of shit to deal with right now and I thought you’d understand”

“You haven’t told me ANYTHING you just ignore me like you always do. I’m fed up of falling for a guy who obviously doesn’t feel the same way. I keep getting hurt by you and I can’t keep doing it. U honestly haven’t got a clue just how much you mean to me.”

Him: “Fine don’t appreciate what the deal is. I mite be kicked out of uni on Monday but fine. Allow yourself a moan”

“How on earth am I supposed to know any of this if u don’t tell me? U tried 2 put the blame on me 4 it fuckin up last time, u can’t do it again. If ud just tell me stuff or at least say uv got stuff goin on an u need some space I’d totally completely understand and be there 4 u however u need me to be but u just don’t tell me anything. I’m not having a moan. U mean way more than 4 this to just be a moan! I’m sorry that I’v got feelings 4 u.”

Him: “K I’m private I’m sorry for that but that’s me x”

“And I get that I do but it doesn’t change the fact that u go hot and cold with me with no explanation at all and leave me feelin shit and confused an then 2nite I see u holdin hands with some girl who you’v apparently been tryin to get with all night. Maybe its silly but that really hurt! I’v walked away from so many guys th last few weeks cause all I could think of was u and how I’d hate it if it was the other way around cause I honestly thought we were gonna give us another go. I guess I was wrong”

Him: “You really think that’s the case? Ok well if that’s your impression of me then there’s no changing it”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I don’t know what to think anymore, one min ur the sweetest guy an ppl r tellin me u talk about me when u see them an th next u seem to disappear 4 days. Just please tell me what u want once and for all, I’m tired of trying to figure it out”
Him: “I’d love to tell you but I got more things going on that I don’t want to talk about. Sorry again but as I said that’s just me.”

“Where r u? Can I come see you please? I don’t wanna keep fightin over text x”

Him: “I’m about to get a lift back to mine chick x”

“Is that a yes or a no to me comin round then? U can come here if u like.. I promise I won’t pressure u into talkin bout whatevers goin on with u, I just wanna see u an get this sorted face to face x”

Him: “Well I’m pretty much back at mine now. If you wanna come over then you’re more than welcome x”

So I throw on some warm clothes, extra socks and some boots and begin my 2am walk to his but he calls and makes me get a taxi, he doesn’t want me walking around on my own that time of night. He can be sweet really.

By the time I got to his house I had calmed down and he had sobered up a little and it seemed like a moo point being there but I was just glad we could talk like normal people again. We drank tea, which he picked on me for because of how weak I have mine, and we lay on the sofa snuggled up watching TV together while I waited to find the courage to start talking about us.
When the time finally came around we talked like adults, with no interrupting, no arguing or raised voices and although we disagreed at times we let each other finish before we started to back our corner again. Then finally we were sorted. The issues had been resolved. The girl was just a friend, like I had tried to tell myself all along, my friend was wrong and I was just being paranoid. He tried to explain why his moods with me change from day to day and although I could understand I still found it hard to accept, but then so did he. One thing he said to me really stuck in my mind, “No matter what I do I’m going to hurt you.” I can’t remember if there was a sorry after that or if he was just stating it as matter of fact, but that one sentence stuck firmer than anything else that had been said that night.

Eventually we fell asleep while watching “Dirty Dancing” which was surprisingly his choice, and is also a film he can quote from in an instance. A tad worrying maybe.

In the morning we woke up and he came and lay on the mattress on the floor I had had to move to during the night because of his snoring. With his arms locked around me and his head rested in the back of my neck we drifted in and out of sleep while watching TV. This is how we spent the entire morning, snuggling up watching TV, kisses on the forehead and little play fights. Yet as perfect as it was something still felt wrong.

I left his about 3pm and as soon as I left I felt empty, tired and emotionally drained. Then it dawned on me.

This is never going to work.

If someone asked me how I feel about the last person I kissed I would say that part of me loves him and part of me hates him, but mostly I love him. I’m not in love with him, of course I’m not, but right now he is the most important person in my life. He is the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night and he is the first person I think about when I wake up. He is the person I dream about and he is the person I have nightmares about losing. He is all I think about when I walk around uni and he is the only person I want to see when I go out on an evening. When boys come up to me and start chatting, asking for my name and number and expecting a kiss at the end of the night he is the only person I want to be kissing. But I know now that it can never happen. Maybe I had it for a while, and maybe while it lasted it was a little bit perfect, if only for a day, but I can’t live in the past.

I don’t trust him. Pure and simple. I want to, and maybe I should. But I don’t. I’ve been hurt by him too many times before, whether he’s meant it or not. I can’t keep putting myself through that, handing out second chances hoping that next time it might be different. If I don’t trust him to start with then no matter what he does, he’s right, it’s not going to change my mind.

And for that I am sorry.

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