Monday, 19 October 2009

I thought it was supposed to get easier - 10.10.09

I was always under the impression that life got easier as you got older. School’s over, the bullies have all moved on, your body has stopped changing and you’ve finally blossomed into a beautiful young adult. Girl meets boy, you fall in love and everything is sorted.

They lied.

I left school, the bullies, the girls I compared myself to because their bodies developed quicker than mine had gone and I never saw them again and I finally became pretty, just like my mother always told me I would. I found a boy and we fell in love and everything in my life had fallen nicely into place. We dated for 2 years and made plans, he was my future and nothing else mattered to me.

Then it all changed again and suddenly I’m 20 years old, in my first year at uni and living at home because I stayed for the boyfriend who just dumped me. I’m broken and completely lost. I can’t remember how to be by myself and I seem to have lost my personality. My friends, old and new, help put me back together and eventually I begin to feel a small sense of happiness.

Everything is starting to make sense again. I’m getting over the boy who broke my heart; I’m making new friends and starting to find out that I am a lot more attractive that I ever realised. I find new confidence and begin to wear clothes I never would have dared to a few months ago. I’m sleeping on peoples’ floors and accepting that although I will never live the proper fresher’s uni life I can try my hardest to make the best of a bad situation. I’m learning things I never knew before and I’m finding out so much more about myself and eventually I begin to start dating again.

Then it becomes clear to me that I’m destined to play the same scene on repeat over and over again, each time with a different boy, each time the same old story. Boy meets girl, they chat and swap numbers, they go on a date and boy never calls again, girl gets hurt again and again. And again.

Finally I meet a nice guy, someone I’ve been friends with for a few months now. The friendship is already there and he already knows all the good and bad points about me. I don’t have to try and calm down the craziness because he’s already seen it all before and oddly, that’s what he’s attracted to. It seems I’ve found my personality again.

After a month or so of dating I realise that I’m not ready for this. I think he is ready to love me but I’m not ready to be loved again yet. Part of my heart is still broken so I decide I have to end it and in the process I lose one of my best friends. This always happens when you begin dating your best friend.

Months pass with the same scene playing on repeat again. Maybe it’s my fault they never call back.

I start to lose all faith in boys and love and happily ever afters and decide I’m never going to be lucky enough to fall in love again and be loved in return. I carry on making new friends and start talking to someone I worked with years ago and haven’t seen in about 5 years. We start talking most days and build up a routine of drunken phone calls on a regular basis talking about nothing in particular.

Soon he becomes my new best friend and the person I turn to every time another boy screws me over. After a lot of comments from friends I start to form feelings for my new best friend. I can’t lose this one too. Thankfully he starts dating someone and soon enough my feelings for him evaporate and all I feel for him is the love of a best friend.

A new scene starts to play with an old flame I used to work with. I soon find out this is just another repeat of a different scene I played years ago with the same boy.

On a drunken night I start talking to a member of security at the SU bar and although I’m not interested in him at all I give him my number when he asks for it. This could be quite funny. He’s a rugby lad and a second year; everyone knows who this boy is. We start texting and although I’m still not interested in him like that, this boy has a bit of a reputation; I agree to go on a date with him. What a mistake! We meet at the uni and walk to town together under an umbrella he holds over us because he’s so tall. Five hours later and we’re still in the pub talking without awkwardness. This boy has suddenly changed my mind. He walks me to the train station and waits for my train with me, we hug goodbye and stumble over whether to kiss or not and decide on a peck on the cheek. Then we text all the way home.

He takes me out on several more dates and we start seeing each other. He makes an effort with my friends and even cooks breakfast for them all. I can’t believe this is the same boy I wasn’t even interested in a month ago, now look at me! We make plans for the summer and I think I’ve maybe found the boy I’ve been looking for.

It changes again.

It’s now the end of my first year of uni and the beginning of the summer and I’m completely smitten about this rugby boy so many people have warned me about. After spending a lot of time together and making plans he suddenly stops talking to me without warning. 3 months pass. Not a word.

Confused and upset I start to forget about the rugby lad I began to fall for and start talking to someone I went to school with. He sends me flowers asking me on a date and eventually I say yes. He drives from Wales to take me on a date and buys me a present too. This one seems different. Then suddenly I find him too interested and I get scared and begin to back away. I’ve done this a few times before too.

The boy I used to work with makes another brief appearance, still repeating that same old scene that’s been playing since I met him. He’s dating a girl I work with, then they break up, then they get back together, then they break up. This goes on for a while, each time they break up he starts texting me saying he still likes me. Whatever!

A holiday away with friends from uni changes everything when I meet the shiest boy in the club, I don’t think this one is going to mess me about. We text for months after the holiday is over and he plans to visit me when I’m in London over the holiday.

Then he’s back again. The rugby lad. 3 months without a word and suddenly he’s talking to me like nothing ever happened and is asking how my summer has been. I’m over him though so I don’t mention him hurting me and I talk to him as I would anyone else and think nothing of it. Then he texts me on my birthday, I’m surprised he even remembered! It’s not long before we start talking about what happened with us and we have an argument and I tell him I never want to speak to him again. Maybe I’m not as over him as I thought I was.

I soon change my mind and swallow a lot of pride to tell him this. Petrified of what he might say I ask him if we can try again when we get back to uni and to my surprise he says he’d like that.

Everything seems to be getting back on track, a part of course from the boy off holiday that I’m still texting. We’re now talking once a week on the phone and he sends me cute drunken texts telling me all the things he’s too shy to tell me when he’s sober. I still really like him but I also want to try again with the rugby lad. I don’t know what to do.

My London trip arrives and I get a text the morning I leave off the rugby lad telling me to have a wonderful time, again I can’t believe he remembered. My first night we text all evening, playful banter about who owes who a date and what we’re going to do when we get back to uni. This is nice; it feels how it used to.

The day out in London never happens with the shy boy off holiday and we rearrange another visit for when I move to uni. What am I doing?! I’m arranging to see two different boys! I’ve never done anything like this before and I know I’m only going to wind up getting hurt or hurting someone else but I honestly don’t know what to do.

I wait it out and talk to my friends, trying to decide which boy I want to see and the decision is pretty much made without me realising. I was never over the rugby lad. I need to give him a second chance, even if it’s just so I can get hurt again and know that I gave it everything and it just wasn’t meant to be.

Finally after weeks of waiting we’re both back at uni and see each other. It was as though nothing ever happened with us and we gracefully slide back into how we used to be together. I think this second chance was the right thing to do.

How wrong I was.

It’s now a month later and all I’ve done is get hurt by him again. I’ve seen him three more times and he was either working or on a lads night out and was slightly drunk. We’ve argued and we’ve not spoken for days. I’ve cried on my own about it and I’ve cried to my friends about it and eventually I decided he wasn’t worth it. But it’s never that easy.

I’ve deleted his number and I’ve avoided him when I’ve seen him around uni but still I can’t get away from him. I’ve fallen for him and I’ve fallen hard. All my friends have told me I can do better and that he doesn’t deserve me and I know they’re right, but as much as I agree with their words I can’t help but want to give him another chance, because I keep thinking maybe this time it will be different, even though I know it won’t be.

It all boils down to this:

Life is not fair. Don’t believe them when they say it gets easier as you get older because it doesn’t, it just gets more painful. It’s a different kind of pain to when you were at school and you got funny looks while getting changed for P.E. and it’s a different kind of pain to getting your heart broken by your first love because even when you get over that nothing is going to compare to that pain. It’s different with each boy who screws you over, and eventually the pain build and builds until you have nothing else to give. You feel empty, drained, and emotionless. You can’t laugh at the funny things because all you can remember are all the times the boy who you thought was going to change this routine of screw over after screw over actually turns out to be the biggest screw over of all. You’re annoyed at yourself for letting him get to you so many times and you’re annoyed that even though you feel like nothing has any point anymore and you spend all your spare sitting in bed wondering what you did wrong this time that you can’t help but want to text him and give him another chance just in case. You’re annoyed that you’re friends are all completely right when they say you can do better because you wish it wasn’t true and you’re annoyed at yourself for not having the strength to just forget about him.

But mostly you’re annoyed at the person who told you it all gets easier. Because so far it’s not easier at all, it’s just as hard as school was, only worse because this time it’s love that keeps screwing you over.

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