Monday, 19 October 2009

Over - 17.10.09

I think I’m ok now. I think all I needed was to see you and ignore you. To know that I had the strength to just move on and walk on by without any kind of acknowledgement. I saw you, once, twice, three times, maybe more, who’s counting, and one of those times you must have seen me too, maybe there were times you saw me and I didn’t see you, point is, you never once came up to me. You never once text me first. You never once invited me round or suggested doing something together.

It has taken me a long long time to realise this, but I did everything. All the running, all the waiting, all the texts, all the crying, all the arguing. All the caring. All the feeling. I did it all, and you let me. You let me chase after you like some puppy with a ball, you let me wait for you until you were ready, even though you never were, you let me do all the starting conversations, all the texts, all the calls, all the random bumpings in to each other, you let me do all the crying about us when in reality there never was an ‘us’, you let me argue with you and get upset, you let me spill all my feelings for you and you never once had the decency to let me know I was wasting my time. Even though you always said you would. You let me care, about me, about you, about us. About what was happening, more importantly about what wasn’t. You let me feel for you and you fed me lies about you feeling for me too but I’ve finally realised now that that’s all it was, lies. You never cared for me the way you said you did. You never wanted to try again. You never wondered what I was doing while you sat at home doing nothing or lazed about work. You never once thought to text me first and it was probably an effort for you to reply when I text you. Never once did you wipe my tears or offer to make them stop. Never once did you tell me the truth and just say ‘It’s not going to happen’. Maybe because you never had the guts, maybe because it never crossed your mind just how much you were affecting me, maybe because you wanted to see how far you could push me before I broke. Maybe because you wanted to watch me fall apart just so you could know that you had the power to break the once strong headed independent girl that didn’t even want your number in the first place.

Maybe you feed off other peoples pain, my pain. Maybe. It doesn’t matter now though, because this time I really do have closure.

You’re not going to break me anymore.

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