Thursday, 24 September 2009

Treat 'em mean, Keep 'em keen

I wish I could figure him out. It drives me crazy how much he gets into my head without even doing anything! But I guess that's the whole point right?!

Hes hot and hes cold and it is literally driving me mad! I can't think of anything else but him, and he doesn't even realise.

I wonder if he would still do it if he knew how it makes me feel, and I wonder if I should tell him I'm falling for him and then I wonder if he'd really care.

It's annoying how different boys and girls are. I'm not the most high maintenance of people, I'm happy to have my own space and be independent, in fact it's what I love more about my life than anything else, but still, a text every now and then, even if it's just to say hi wouldn't go a miss! That is all I'm asking for. Is that really too much?!

He hasn't text in over 3 days, not a word, and if it wasn't for how it ended last time it wouldn't bother me but I feel like I'm relationship limbo. I'm not taken, but in my heart I'm not single either. Sickening isn't it!! I went out and a group of lads were talking to me all night, and it was clear they wouldn't have said no if I'd have offered it, but I didn't want to. Not even a kiss. Talking was as far as I was happy to let it go and even then all I really wanted to be talking to was him.

He's the first guy I've felt this way about since I had my heart broken a year ago tomorrow and when I'm with him it's like the world stops turning and it's just me and him. I could lie in his arms forever. I feel safe there, and he makes me feel special and pretty and beautiful and interesting and I love everything about us when we're together and every time I see him I can feel myself falling just a little bit deeper. But I won't. I can't let myself fall in love with him, as much as maybe I want to, because I don't feel like he'd ever really understand just how much he already means to me, let alone how much he could if he gave me the chance.

I want to get out of this limbo I seem to constantly be in, but how can I when all he seems to do is disappear. He left for 3 months last time, and I missed him so much, and I was so angry at him but I still let him back in.

Maybe I'm stupid... I honestly think I am. But I also think it could be worth it if he would just stop playing games with me.

I guess the phrase 'Treat 'em mean, Keep 'em keen' exists for a reason. And it's certainly working with me. I just hate how much of a sucker I am.

Friday, 11 September 2009


I want to write something, but I don't know what. I currently have no thoughts in my head. So lets see how it goes...

Right now I'm sitting in my living room back in Dudley listening to The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song by The Flaming Lips. I love this song.
It reminds me of the wonderful two weeks I spent in London not so long ago. But still that's not a thought I have in my head to talk about.

There are so many things I should be thinking about, so many parts of my life right now I should be processing and sorting. But I'm not. I don't feel the need to think about things I probably really should think about. I don't feel like its time yet to fix all the mistakes I can feel myself making. That time hasn't arrived yet. And this annoys me.

I want to be ready to tell him its not gonna happen. And I want to be able to tell him that I want it to happen. But I'm scared. And I'm not ready. And I need to see him first, before I can tell either of them. I want to feel free to feel whatever I want without fear of getting hurt or looking foolish. I want the power to love like I've never been hurt before. But I have and I'll never have that power. I don't blame anyone for that, but sometimes I wish I did.

It would be so much easier if this summer had gone differently. If we hadn't have messed up, if it hadn't have ended, if we had stuck to the plans we started to make. But we did mess up, and it did end, and the plans changed.

Part of me is glad that it happened this way 'cause its teaching me to trust you again, and its teaching me to relax and not worry and to just believe that you do like me and that it will work. If I relax. So much easier said than done.

And now I'm very aware that I'm ranting. I've finally found a thought in my head that maybe is bothering me more than I realised. But I am scared. I can't deny that. I'm scared to like you. And I'm scared to fall for you. I'm scared of this more than I am of getting hurt by you again. And I wish I could tell you this to your face. But I can't.

I can't tell you. Anything. Not yet.

Wow.. turns out I do have some thoughts after all.