Sunday, 28 February 2010

If you lost everything..

When asked what we would miss if we lost everything we were given different categories; people, food, events, daily activities etc. Some were easy to answer, others were not.

Some were difficult to answer because when asked to seriously think about that question ‘what would you miss if you lost everything’ you begin to realise just how worthless a lot of items are and you begin to lose your materialistic side, because in all honestly what is it like losing a picture forever compared to the thought of losing a person?!

Others were harder to answer because how do you chose who you would miss most out of all the people you know, and how do you begin to justify it? We were asked to list all the things, the people, the objects we would miss for each category and to then chose just one we would miss the most, these are shown in bold.

However, when it comes to the people I would miss they are all in bold because each and every one of them makes up a part of me, and losing just one of them would mean losing a part of myself and that would be like being asked to list which limbs and organs I wouldn’t miss if someone came and hacked them away. Each person plays their individual role in my life. I would miss them all equally for different reasons.

What would you miss if you lost everything?

My happy wall -
One of my bedroom walls at home, full of memories, photos, beer mats, notes from friends, foreign coins, bits of fabric, drawings, song lyrics. Each piece, no matter how insignificant to others they may seem all mean something to me. I look at it when I feel down and it makes me smile and reminds me just how much I have to be grateful for. If I lost these beautiful memories, they would still be in my heart, but would miss spending hours just idly looking at them.

My teddy -
A dirty pink bunny I have had since I don’t know when. I call her Rainbow, although I can’t actually what I used to call her as a child. She has a rip down her chest which mum sewed back up, when I was little I used to say she had had heart surgery and that it made her more special than all my other teddies. Her whiskers are slightly chewed and her feet are different sizes but to me she is perfect. Even at the age of 21 I still fall asleep with her in my arms and when I am upset she is the one I turn to for comfort. Without her my comforter would be gone.

Music -
No music in particular, just all music in general. I use it as an escape, as something to help me get to sleep at night and something to wake me up in a morning. If I was to never hear music again I think life would be quite dull and lacking love. As Shakespeare wrote, “If music be the food of love, play on.”

Photos -
What would I do without all the silly photographs to remind me of moments passed, of parties, of birthdays, of leaving events, of seasons passed, of holidays, of family, of friends, of the millions of silly moments that make you smile when you remember them.

My bed -
If I had to live a lifetime without my bed, without a bed at all, I would be a tortured soul. To be without the comfort and warmth of a place I can call my own, that I can share lovingly with another person, to lose that place of privacy and intimacy would be an inhuman experience.

What would you miss doing?

Showering -
I would miss the feel of the boiling hot water on my skin in a morning, and the way the water makes paths through your hair when you wash it. I would miss the cleanliness of wrapping a warm towel around my body and putting on fresh clean clothes. I would miss turning the temperature right down just before getting out of the shower after a late night out and the feel of the steam on my dry skin as I opened the bathroom door. I would miss watching the bubbles make their way towards the drain and watching it spiral away beneath my feet. I would miss the childishness of blowing bubbles around the bathroom and spiking my hair up with the shampoo before washing it away. I would miss the smell of the water warming up and watching the steam steal the reflection from the mirror.

Watching films -
To not watch another film with my best friends would be heart breaking. To never see my favourite story played out in front of me again would be saddening. To be able to put a film on and then not watch it for sake of talking and simply spending time with that special someone is a moment I would realise I had taken for granted. To never watch a film and quote every single line, to never watch a Disney film again and sing along to every song, doing all the voices, that would make part of me disappear.

What would you miss eating/drinking?

Tea -
Without my morning cup of tea everyone knows I am an extremely moody person. It has become routine for me in a morning to get a cup of tea before doing anything else, just as it has become routine for my friends to check I have had one and make me one right away if not. It is probably one of the biggest ‘things’ I have, drinking tea is my thing, it is my drink. I don’t think I’d be a very pleasant person without tea in my life. I would miss its awakening warmth in a morning and its relaxing heat in an evening.

Cheese on toast -

I love bread. I love cheese. Put the two together and you have probably got my favourite food mixture. I eat cheese almost every day; I have been known to get through an entire block to myself in an evening. I would miss the smell of it bubbling under the grill, and the golden tint the bubbles get when I put the temperature up just a tad too high. I would miss cooking it for people and seeing the fulfilment on their faces as it wakes their every taste bud and fills their tummies to the brim. I would miss cutting it in preparation and stealing a slice here and a slice there while I wait to perfectly cover the piece of toast warming in the toaster. I would miss seeing my dogs run into the kitchen at the sound of opening the wrapper and watching their heads tilt slightly as they wait patiently for me to throw them I piece and I would miss the cat’s late arrival as she too enters the kitchen for her share of the cuttings. Cheese on toast is a family occasion, it is not just the food itself I would miss but the gathering of the people I love in the process of cooking it.

What would you miss shopping for?

Bargains -
I am not a big shopper, but I would miss knowing that I had got a good deal on a pair of shoes or that dress I've had my eye on for months. I think shopping is something I would be able to live without however.

Who would you miss?

Mum and Dad -
They have been my rock and my support my entire life. They have helped glue me back together when I was completely broken. They encourage me to carry on.

Nathan -
My brother and my best friend. I could not imagine never hearing his dry wit and incredibly broad Black Country accent again. He looks after me even when I don’t know he’s looking and I try my best to help guide him and set a good example. I can tell him pretty much anything and I know he would never judge me. I would be lost without my best friend.

Debbie -
My aunty and my role model. She has completely changed her life around and that of her children. She will never know just how proud I am of her for being as brave and as strong as she has been and continues to be. She is my inspiration to strive for the best and to never lose faith in myself. She is an amazing woman and the world is lucky to have her on it.

The girls (Sam, Emily and Adele) -
They have been with me since before we grew our boobies, they know everything about me because they have experienced it with me. When we were getting ready to leave school people told us we would never stay in touch, that it’s your friends you make at college that you keep for life. We proved them wrong and are as close now as we have ever been. They are my best friends for a reason. To lose them would be like losing a major organ – I would be useless.

AJ -
My best boy friend. He probably knows more about me than anyone else I know. I tell him my every thought, my every feeling, my every experience and good or bad he never judges me, he just listens. He is my best friend, the bestest friend a girl could ask for. Thinking about losing him is a pain I'd rather do without.

The three kings of Edward Elgar (Maria, Jake and Becca) -

These three amazing people pulled me out the rut I was in when I started university. They instantly accepted me into their group, into their homes, into their lives. They gave me floors and beds to sleep on and food to eat, they gave me showers and clothes and more support than any one person should have to ask for. They are more than my friends. They are my family.

The boys (TomHat, DaddyFeets, Willis and Will) -
Though some might not be an obvious choice I would miss all these boys. Each of them have been there for me at some point whether they’ve known it or not. They say beautiful words which will always stay with me and give me something to smile about when all such things seem lost. They keep me young and childish, they play fight and they are loud. Being with them is like never leaving the playground.

The original tag team (Kate, Holly and Blow) -
The girls. The ones I have nights out with, who I cry about boys with and who would fight any unworthy man for me. The ones who speak for me when I am unable to. The ones I play the mini game with. The ones I sing at the top of my lungs with. The ones I have lived with and the ones I have commuted with. The ones I have fought with more than any of my other friends. The ones who annoy me more than anyone else and the ones I will always love in spite of whatever idiotic annoying thing they may do. The lifers.

Saturday, 27 February 2010

If this was a love story where would you star?

If this was a love story, my love story, if they fit my whole life into a two hour film, which bits would they show, which bits would they skip over and where would they fast forward to? I often wonder if anything in my life right now would make it into my love story or if everything I do or feel or say at this moment in time is simply pointless to the overall plot.

I wonder if anyone from my present will make it into my future.
I wonder where my friends will star.
I wonder if my love story will involve people I am yet to meet.
I wonder if my love story already has all the characters needed.
I wonder when my love story will start.

But as much as life is a story, it isn't a film, it can't be shown in a matter of hours and it can't come to its happily ever after concluding ending anytime soon because as far as I know it hasn't even started its opening credits yet.

I know I'm not the only person who gets tired of waiting for life to unravel, who is constantly counting down the days until things once again start to make sense. I know a lot of people would love to just press a button and fast forward to the main body of the play and enjoy all the highlights with that main man. I know.

I equally know that if I had the power to do that I would miss some truly magical experiences, some wonderful moments and probably a lot of pain. I'd be restless if I missed parts of my life, just as I am restless waiting to experience them. But I guess I'd rather be restless waiting to experience them than be restless knowing I missed the chance to.

So for now I'll be patient. I'll wait for my love story to begin and I'll keep thinking about who will star where. I know how I'd have my love story go if it was up to me, I know who would star where, but that is beyond my control, so with like everything else I'll be patient and believe that whatever will be will be.

It might turn out just as I want it to, it may be completely the opposite.

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Look in the mirror and what do you see

Sometimes, although we shouldn't we can't help but compare ourselves to other people, and it is always that little bit worse when the person we compare ourselves to is someone who is close to us.

I've wrote about her before in a post I saved to my drafts and never published - some thoughts are best left eternally private - but just as she was then, she is now, a reflection of everything I will never be.

Some would argue that I have nothing to worry about, that I am beautiful in my own right. To me they are lost words, because I simply do not believe them. To spend a night as the shadow if the brightest light placed on this earth is a belittling feeling, to spend an entire friendship like that is painful.

And it angers me. It angers me that I do this, that I compare myself to someone who has been one the greatest friends I have ever had. Yes she has her flaws and yes she has done things at times which I will never forget and will always be hurt by, but we all slip up at times - I guess this is my slip up.

She walks in to a room and everyone sees her, they stop and look and they remember.

Will you remember me when I'm gone?

On nights out boys flock to her, swarming around her with hungry eyes, fighting over her attention. On occasions I have been this girl - I hated it.

I hated people seeing me and wanting, expecting, asking for that one thing I was never gonna give them. I hated that people had that expectation of me, because I am better than that. At times of course I slipped up, I gave in to passion and lost my beliefs and gave them what they wanted and all it left me feeling was used, little and dirty.

But that is how people see her. And she has no problem with that. She enjoys it, and it is the seeing her enjoying it that I envy. She feeds off their lusting and has the power, she gives in to some people and she boasts about it, she is proud of her sexuality and makes - what some might call - the most of it. Good for her, but I can't do that. Not anymore.

I want to be the girl who lights up a room and has the banter, the girl people sometimes flirt with but respect her too much to try anything because they know she wouldn't give in to one pointless night of 'passion'. I don't want to be the pretty girls friend whose name no one even asks for let alone remembers anymore.

That role got tiresome a long time ago.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

I'm just a girl, Take a good look at me.

As I leave will you be someone to say goodbye?
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye?
My foot is out the door and you can't stop me.

i will always remember the day i became a Christian, and i will always remember the day i took the cross off my coat and lost my religion. i will always remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom as a child hearing voices telling me i was stupid and ugly and worthless and being too scared to tell anyone. i will always remember playing with my barbies and wishing my brother liked action man so barbie could have a date. i remember my older cousins teaching me how to climb on to the top bunk using the bedside table instead of the ladders. i will always remember making a banner out of toilet roll when i found out we were moving house and protesting that i would never move.
i remember moving.

the day my first pet dog died and my dad wouldn't let me go to the vets with him will always be with me. i will always remember him coming home and seeing him cry for the first and only time. i will always remember how we always had a wooden box of onions off my grandad in our garage. i will always remember how we never ate them.

i will always remember the safety i found in the garage and how i would escape to there as a child and sing whenever i felt upset. i will always remember losing my safe place when we moved house.

i will always remember dropping the rabbit food and the jar smashing, leaving glass all over the floor by her hutch. i will always remember the fox in the garden.

i will always remember my first sleepover.

i will always remember meeting my best friend for the first time and how her pen scared me because it made a noise. i will always remember the lunch times in the cooking room and the phone in the oven.

i will always remember slapping Daniel Gibbs at the year six disco because he said my hair looked nasty after i had spent hours curling it. i will always remember asking my teacher about liquid eyeliner and making my mom take me shopping for some the next day.

i will always remember the first boy i had a proper crush on and how i would spend hours texting him after school. i will always remember turning him down when he asked me out because i was scared what my mom would say. i will always remember sitting in my room crying because i was ugly. i will always remember my eating diary i kept and how i starved myself for days, trying to lose weight.

i will always remember how excited i got over my first period, and i will always remember how i soon got bored of them!

the day i ran away from home after an argument with my mom. the day i threw all my school books in the bin.

i will always remember sitting on the stairs as a child at night listening to my parents shouting and never understanding why. i will always remember staying up all night and watching Didney films with my dad whenever i was ill. i will always remember dad reading the Naughty Amelia Jane books to me and my brother and putting on all the voices. i will always remember the smell of my childhood books.

i will always remember the first time i heard Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap and how it took my breath away.

i will always remember my first kiss and how his stubble made my chin dry.

i will always remember the one and only time i smoked weed and how i regretted it afterwards. i will always remember getting drunk with Hannah after getting our gcse results and being sick.

meeting the tipton lads!

i will always remember the excited nervousness the first time i told someone i loved them and had them say it back. i will always remember the first time i had sex and the silly comment i made. i will always remember sitting outside my house until 7am just talking and writing on the car windows and each others hands. i will always remember vagna.

afro duck and narf will always make me smile.

i will always remember my first day of uni and how nervous i was. i will always remember how those nerves have never really left me.

i will always remember the night i spent attacking the security guy with the su stamp and him asking for my number. i will always remember how on our first date we spent 5 hours in the pub just talking. i will always remember the silly names i made for different people, hobnob, smoochies, litter boy..

i will always remember the sleepovers in the kitchen and the night we all drank vodka at Kate's. i will always remember being locked in the bathroom with Kate while she had a poo and shouting out the window with Holly for help. i will always remember the photos in the garden and the morning drives to uni with the music up full.

i will always remember the last day of the first year with the BBQ out the back and how i cried the entire drive home. i will always remember how i cried when i heard A Thousand Miles as the last track of the CD Jake made me and i will always remember jumping up and down and screaming with Becca and Maria when i found out i had got in to nyt.

i will always remember my amazing two weeks in London and singing on the tube with random people. i will always remember how my tummy flipped the first time i went to the tube station when the gush of wind blew in my face and took me by surprise.

i will always remember making up songs with Adele on holiday and my incredible sunstroke. i will always remember my first holiday romance and how i cried the day he went home. i will always wonder how we fit five people, two dogs and all the camping things in a ford escort!

i will always remember sitting with Mabel in the vets waiting room and how she died in my arms. it will always hurt that she wasn't aloud any privacy because it was ten minutes before opening and how she had to suffer in front of a full waiting room of people. i will always remember my rabbit Holly dying as i stroked her head. i will always believe she waited until i was there because she knew i needed to say goodbye.

i will always remember crying while writing that last sentence.

i will always remember the sleep overs at Emily's house and Thursday grooves with Salv and Carl.

i will always remember my first job and AJ putting a whole boiled egg in his mouth the first time i met him. i will always remember the night i accidentally asked customers to 'go away' over the tanoy at closing and i will always remember the look my manager gave me.

i will always remember the first time i had my heart truly broken and i will always remember the day i finally knew i was glued back together.

i will always remember the feeling i got the first time i waltzed to Come Away With Me by Nora Jones and how i ran off crying when my soldier came back from war. i will always remember being lonely girl and performing in merry hill shopping centre. i will always remember slipping on confetti and pulling the tendons in my leg and limping for about 3 months afterwards!

i will always remember the first time i cut myself and the night i sat up listening to Hold On on repeat. i will always remember watching the scars heal and knowing i would never let a guy make me do that to myself ever again.

i will always remember the first time i tried a cigarette. i will always remember the cough i then had for weeks after!

i will always remember moving into the bungabow. i will always remember my first food shop. i will always remember the smell my room had when i first moved in.

listening to Gene in a Bottle will always bring back the smell of my bedroom at Talbot Road when i first moved in there and i will always remember the exact layout of my navy blue room at that time.

i will always remember the first time i listened to Taylor Swifts album and how it instantly made me feel safe.

there are many more things i will remember, too many to list in one go. these are just a few of the moments in my life that have shaped me, that have stuck with me and that always will. and for everyone i am grateful <3

Detox time

I've been thinking a lot recently about a lot of things. My life seems to be constantly in a complicated tangle of dramas which all seem to arise at similar times and then disappear together just as fast as they arouse, before once again returning for a second lot of head bashing on my part. I think has a lot to do with, quite obviously, my being a girl and my need to think about every little detail of every little event for a very long time, usually resulting in me making a much larger deal of things than they actually are. The other reason for a lot of this is due to Facebook.

It seems that nothing is private anymore, everyone knows everything about everyone and then we all moan about it that nothing stays private anymore when in reality is it entirely our own fault for broadcasting every single emotion we ever have to the entire cyber community. Things move too fast now, no one is happy to let time take its course and just unravel. If someone doesn't text back straight away we grow impatient and log into Facebook just to see if they are online so we can bug them there as well. We sit for hours looking at peoples photos from the previous night out and then wait five minutes at a time for a reply to a message we sent rather than involving ourselves in personal conversation. We start conversations with 'have you seen this on Facebook' and people are no longer classed as 'official' in relationships until the little heart symbol appears. Similarly, when our hearts get broken and a relationship ends once again 200 odd people are instantly told via a broken heart symbol and a short sentence saying 'single', which then leads to people who we haven't spoken to in years sending us wall messages asking what happened and if we're alright, trying to get all the gossip, and we are left feeling emotional and tired and as though we are display to the whole world. But then who's fault is that?!

So I guess this comes down to my decision to detox.

I think my life right now would be a lot easier if I didn't text certain people for a while, if I removed myself from Facebook, even if just for a week. Maybe I need a break from all those things that constrict my life stories development. I need to stop rushing things, to stop living my life by what Facebook says is happening and go out there and see it for myself rather than over a computer screen.

This wasn't meant to be such an anti-Facebook post, it was meant to be about me not texting certain people for a while, about waiting for them to come to me, but maybe this is just as important for now.

So bye bye Facebook. Even if only for a day, it will be an extra day in my life I'll be living rather than wasting!

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Some people just like having their fingers in too many pies...

...and although they all taste lovely if you don't pick one you're going to get sick.

Monday, 15 February 2010

I guess this one's for you.

I guess it really is water off a ducks back with you. Only you seem to forget that I'm the one who is rolling off your back, swept up in a wave and left to drift away like a drop in the ocean.

I'm drowning in a sea of people and no one seems to notice that it's because of you and everything you did. You all just sail on by looking blindly at the million lonely droplets that make up the river you are traveling.

Do you know what it is like to be fully surrounded but completely alone? I don't think you do. You don't know how it feels to be the drop that is left to fall with no second thought.

You don't even have a clue.

I wasn't always this cold

I like to think that I'm a cold hearted bitch, that I'm emotionless and don't do romance. To me, if someone leaves a single red rose on my bag in the staff room it's not sweet or romantic its weird and funny, I laugh and I tell everyone in the process. But leave a pen on my till while you go on your break and I smile inside. I used to love, I used to know how to love. Now I don't.

I guess in some respect it's true, I am cold, I'm not romantic and I don't let people in easily. Part of me has always been like this, part of me has adapted to the aftermath of constantly dating losers. Yet as much as I long to love and to be loved in return I feel I am incapable of it. I'm the girl who watches films and cries all the way though, the girl who's heart skips a beat when the guy finally kisses the girl and secretly wishes that happened to me. I'm the girl who compares everything to the movies and moans that real life is never like that and then when for a short moment it does start to take that route I'm the girl who runs a mile. I'm the girl who doesn't like doing the chasing but hates being chased, the girl who wants the sweet guy but prefers the bad boy because at least when she gets hurt she was already prepared for it. I'm the girl who listens to love songs at night and cries because she feels she is slowly beginning to lose her belief in it. I'm the girl who longs to be called beautiful rather than 'fit' or 'hot', the girl who melts a little when some kisses her on her forehead. I'm the girl who has had enough of kissing random drunk people, who still prays for her Prince Charming to find her. I'm the girl who looks at all the couples and secretly envies them, even if they aren't perfect. I'm the girl who hopes she is getting towards the end of her film, the bit just before the 'happily ever after' ending.

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not as cold or as heartless as I like to think I am, but that maybe I'm just scared. I'm scared to get close to people, I'm scared to feel something for someone again, I'm scared to let someone feel for me, I'm scared to be on my own but I'm scared to share my life with someone again, I'm scared of getting hurt again and I'm scared of hurting someone else.

If I was heartless I wouldn't feel this bad.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

In a nutshell..

I like to slap, punch and headbutt people when i am drunk and drink hot chocolate with a twirl 'straw'. I need a cup of tea in the morning if i want any chance of being in a good mood. When i'm a bitch i'm a BITCH! I won't add my mom on facebook cause i think she'll hate me. I like making friends and keeping them forever! I love dressing up. I change my mind about things a lot and confuse people in the process. I like typing in lower case because i think 'i's look prettier with a dot above them. I love singing and Cole's can't dance!! I miss my brother and my best girls from home. I've been hurt a lot and I've learnt not to trust people on face value. I'm a giant kid but I'm also very wise. I don't hold grudges because I don't see the point in wasting my time on people who do not matter to me, I'd rather just ignore them. I don't know if i believe in love anymore but the idea of it is enough to keep me going. I am not very romantic, sweet gestures tend to annoy me, i'd rather have the banter and play fights than kisses and cuddles all the time. I wasn't always this cold. I want to sing and act and I want to educate people while I do this. I want children to want to learn rather than being made to. I want young adults to know that there is more for them than the environment they have been brought up in. I want people to reach for the stars and grab them with both hands. I think the most lucky of people are the people who get to die doing what they love. I hope i die on stage.

And finally, the best piece of advice I ever got told was.... All me are dicks, every single one is going to hurt you only some will more than others.

Eyes open wide

The clouds danced on the river as I walked among the stars

I wish I could say it's you I'm crying over. But it's not. And for that I am sorry.

I'm sorry for a lot of things recently. I'm sorry that I care for someone who doesn't care back, I'm sorry I don't care enough for the person who probably cares about me more than anyone else, I'm sorry if it ever feels like I've led you on, that was never my intention, I'm sorry that I do silly drunken things with people who I know I shouldn't and I'm sorry that even though I am very aware of how big a mistake it is I do it anyway.

I go in with my eyes open wide, fully aware of the consequences that could arouse because of my actions and I do it anyway. Maybe my eyes are open blind or maybe I'm just trying to find some way to feel that rush again.

Friday, 12 February 2010

Do your job you silly wench :)

Today I was supposed to have some help flirting with the sandwich makers at uni except my wing(wo)man failed to do her job and I just ended up with two cups of tea and a chocolate bar. Because of this I decided to google the definition of wingman, just to give her some pointers should she chose to try again at helping making me look good. What I found made me smile quite a lot :)

Definition of Wingman...

Wingman is a role that a person may take when a friend needs support with approaching potential sexual partners. A wingman is someone who is on the "inside" and is used to help someone with relationships.

Procedure... (This made me laugh!!)

A pair of men often pick a desired woman, who is referred to as the "target". The man intending to seduce the target is often called the "Pilot". The "Wingman" is expected to back up the pilot, which typically entails distracting (distraction may take the form of casual conversation or attempting to pick up) the target's unattractive friend(s) and making comments that will make the "Pilot" seem more attractive. A group member of the "targets" party who disapproves of the "Pilot's" advances (commonly referred to as cockblocker) may also be prevented from interfering while socially and/or physically interacting with the wingman. When a wingman picks up an ugly friend, this is known as "taking a bullet."

The "Wingman" also motivates the "Pilot" to be social and practice approaching women. He helps the pilot approach pairs or groups of women without the awkwardness of being alone. He will take the less attractive woman of a pair or group so that the pilot can engage in conversation with the more attractive woman without interruption. The target may feel more relaxed talking to the pilot while her social obligation of entertaining her friend/s is taken care of by the "Wingman".

There are certain situations (i.e. emergencies) where the "Pilot" will approach targets with his "AW", commonly referred to as Automatic Wingman. The AW has the most experience in playing the role of wingman. Other responsibilities include remembering details (i.e. target's names aka "the bogey" and personal information) as well as compensating for intoxication in the judgment of the pilot.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Under the sea, Wish I could be, Part of that world...

As many people probably know my biggest wish is to be a mermaid, to live deep at the bottom of the ocean and live amongst the fish and the coral and just swim.

This has been my dream since the first time I saw The Little Mermaid as a child. Since I memorised the lyrics to Part of Your World and changed it slightly so that I could be part of their world. I never want to grow up, and I want to spend my existence in the water with the fish, exploring, being free, freer than a life with legs allows.

I love swimming and it saddens me that I hardly ever go anymore. So I have decided that as I have Wednesdays and Fridays free from lectures I am going to aim to go at least once a week.

In the meantime here is a picture from my twenty first and a half birthday where we all dressed up as things beginning with the letter A... I bet you can guess what I went as!!

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

It's been four months but it's finally here. Just wish I wasn't wearing white undies!

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Nothing like the movies

I'm feeling pretty unmotivated. I should be doing work, in fact, I need to be doing work. For tomorrow! But I can't find my motivation. I want to do it, to get good grades and finish with a bloody good degree but it feels like something is stopping me and I can't figure out what.

It's odd how I want to do it so much that I'm excited but that at the same time I can't even put my laptop down for half an hour to read some hand outs, instead I'd rather be sitting here on facebook watching the minutes pass as nothing at all happens or write another blog which will probably end up feeling a little pointless once I've finished it.

Maybe I'm just not an academic. I don't do well with written work, that's why I failed A Level. I don't take in things when I read them, that's why it takes me weeks to finish a single book. I'm a doer, I have to be up and about on my feet, I have to be able to see things, to touch them, to smell them to really take it in, understand and learn. Maybe that's why I can't find my motivation.

Either way, whatever it is that is pulling me down, it is fair to say that this is nothing like the movies. When I finish this blog and put down my laptop, reach for all the paper and start to read and highlight I won't have any inspirational music playing in the back ground, I won't be surrounded by books which in a scenes time I will have magically read and understood and I won't be running up some massive steps as a way to get over writers block and jump up and down when I reach the top at the joy of my success. Instead I will most probably sit in my room, alone, in silence, surrounded by 40 odd pages of back to back handouts with a highlighter which will eventually run out, then I will work into the night living off cups of tea trying to finish the work I have once again left to the last minute.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

This could take some time.

Karaoke. What a wonderful phrase.
Karaoke. Ain't no passing craze.
It means no worries for the rest of your days.
It's our problem free, philosophy.

That's the idea anyway. And sometimes, if only for a while it works, and while you're on that stage singing what seems like a brilliant idea for a song when you see it in the book all your problems disappear. Then you step off the platform and they all come flooding back to you, knocking you over like a giant wave.

This could take some time.

Easy to say that we're done with the dance
Let the curtain descend and bring to an end
This one-act romance
Easy to know there was never a chance
Time to let go
You're a hard guy to forget

Friday, 5 February 2010

Off the table.

Suck it up. Calm it down. Move on. It's over.
Suck it up. Don't break down. Spit it out. Start over.

Closure. It's a funny old thing isn't it. It doesn't always come in the same joyful free spirit package you're used to, sometimes it's forced upon you. It's weird that closure, a thing you need to move on, can be something someone hands to you. It's even weirder when the person who gives you this long awaited gift is the one you've needed saving from the whole time.

"If that's what you want then fine, it's off the table chick x"

It hurt for a moment, I'm not gonna lie, it did. To hear that what you've feared all along, that your feelings are wasted and there is nothing you can do because you've just been given the sealed envelope, the story with 'The End' written at the bottom, and no matter how much you scrub that ink isn't going to move, hurts. Of course it does. Even when honestly you've always know that anyway. To hear it from the mouth of the person killing you, for them to become the one saving you instead with those three simple words, "Off the table", makes it all the more final than you ever could yourself.

I never expected him to give me the closure. The him who has filled so many of my posts with stories of second chances and swallowing pride. But he has. And all I can say is

thank you x

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Bowling with the sides down

I am really enjoying the new semester so far and I think a lot of it is due to me not being with my best friends. Of course I miss them but it's so nice being able to come home and talk to them about my day, letting them know what already I feel I am achieving and knowing that tomorrow they'll be coming back to do the same with me.

Today was a long long day. Lecture started at 9.15 and ended at 1.15 with a four hour break before returning to carry on with the devising process for our site specific performance currently titled Not Waving. The first session involved us visiting the site, a brook down the road from the uni, and exploring the area. The walk took over an hour and saw people fall down banks on their bottoms, mud splash up the sides of almost twenty pairs of wellies and people climbing in and up trees. It felt just like being a child again, having the freedom to explore and being aloud to get muddy.

The visit was truly inspirational and the entire group came away with a million ideas of things to bring to the performance.

After a quick break to recover from our muddy adventure we began devising some movement pieces in groups of five which were inspired by extracts from The Flood by Maggie Gee.

White flash of a wing where an arm
is swimming
dissolving, now to a ghost image blurring,
doubling in the haze of the future -
one last white curve would complete loves circle
the future bending to find the past
life from the end to the beginning

Our group experimented with lifts and flips as well as moving as one and mirroring.

Our task for next week now is to return to the site and adapt our piece to fit around and use the surroundings. This is why I love performing so much.. the possibilities are simply endless. As Sarah Kane once said "in theatre anything is possible".

After our lovely four hour break we met up again for a slightly less physical session. We worked alone mostly for this session, thinking about and listing the things, the people, the activities, the food, the drink, we would miss if we were to lose everything in a natural disaster. After picking four and talking honestly about them to the rest of the group we moved onto thinking about the different forms of water. A lake. A pond. The sea. Tears. A brook. A stream.

We then had to write about our chosen form of water. I wrote about the tear.

The Tear

The filling up of the eye, feeling the moisture build, bubbling as it reaches an uncontrollable level before spilling over and falling.

The feeling of the wet salty emotion making tracks down the cheek, constantly flowing from an unstoppable source.

So many things fill the tear. Love. Hate. Pain. Joy.

It glistens as it smoothly runs down your face.

The silence of the tear when you don't want anyone to know you are crying. The lump in the back of your throat where it centres and the puddle that builds on the bottom of your chin before it falls and crashes to the surface below with a gentle splash.

It's a bit rough but I'm thinking of perfecting it. Currently it is work in progress and just a simple example of the work I am so excited about being part of. I think bowling with the sides down was definitely the right decision.

A Change in the Weather

I don't consider myself to be the most intelligent of people, nor do I pretend to know what is going on in the world, either now or throughout history. If you asked me the dates of the first and second world war I would probably get them wrong and if you asked me to talk about George Washington or Winston Churchill, even Tony Blair or George Bush, I would probably get everything wrong. This is not something I am proud of. At all. In fact it disgusts me at how little I know about the world we live in and events that have led us to where we are today.

It is on my list of things to do before I die. To learn. More importantly to want to learn! I feel my failure to know anything about history all stems from school and my lack of interest in anything related to the news. I always saw history and museums as old boring places full of old boring books and old boffiny men who lived with cats who drank tea while listening to classical music. And as my mom surrounded herself with news papers and constantly had the news on, a very adult thing to do, I became hateful of it as acknowledging it would, to me, mean growing up. Something I have a great issue with.

However, since starting university and meeting people who everyday surprise me by how much they know about history I have begun to feel more and more uneducated, a feeling which honestly cuts me to the core, and from working with theatre groups on professional performances which involve a lot of research I have begun to learn and appreciate what is and has gone on in this world. Yet despite my will to learn I never seem to take things in and keep them there, locked in my filing cabinet of knowledge. A very saddening truth.

I suppose a lot of this blog today comes from my first lecture of the second semester, Directed Public Performance. Basically, two tutors direct twenty students as if they were a professional theatre company which eventually ends in a public performance. The tutors have the majority of the power in this module, they devise a new play for us, they decide on the venue and through a series of workshops choose what eventually goes into the play as well as ultimately directing it. For my group it has been decided we shall look at climate change and the affect of global warming, again something I know very little about.

Until today at least...

As part of our lecture we watched a film documentary called The Age of Stupid (2009) it is set in 2050 with a man looking back through archives which have been stored after the destruction of the planet. Made up by a series of documentaries and cartoon animations it explains everything about climate change, what started it, what continues to help it grow and what will happen if we do not do anything about it.

The figures are quite shocking:
- The French glaciers are melting between 7 to 10 meters a year
- In 50 years half of the existing ski resorts will close down if climate change does not stop
- Because gas isn't transportable waste gas is destroyed in Nigeria via flares. These flares produce 70 million tons of carbon per year, the equivalent of 10 million British homes
- America use twice the amount of energy the UK and Europe use, 9 more than India and 50 more that Kenya
- 80% of our carbon footprint needs to be cut by 2050
- In China 1 new power station is made every 4 days
- 9 wind turbines will produce enough energy to power 11 thousand British homes, yet most communities do not want them for fear they will "spoil the view"

These are just some of the figure given throughout the film, and some of the images are truly shocking. In Nigeria it followed a 23 year old girl try to raise enough money to train to become a nurse. In the town where she lived they had no hospital and no school, half of her family had died due to drinking dirty water and they were finding it more and more difficult to fish for food as the water was contaminated from oil spills. Their town was a central source of oil and Shell had promised to build them a hospital and get them clean water if they sold them their oil, yet three years later the hospital still remained some overgrown ruins.

Another story followed a man who worked for Shell drilling for oil. He was a survivor of hurricane Katrina, and had rescued over 100 people from their flooded homes after the devastating event, including an 89 year old man and a 6 month old baby, as well as the pets of the people he saved. His words and the images of the event were honestly touching.

In France an 80 something year old tour guide told how the glaciers have changed over his 50 plus years of touring. When he started you could walk over them on foot, now you must climb ladders of unbelievable distance, animals used to graze on the hills but now there is nowhere for them and he recalled comfortable summers unlike the ones they experience now.

There were more people the film followed and imaged beyond description but the film educated me on things I previously knew nothing about.

So I end this - rather long - blog feeling a mixture of things. I have started to educate myself on world wide events, which I feel is a very positive thing. I have become more aware of both the importance of climate change and also peoples ignorance to it. I have been moved beyond words.

I highly recommend The Age of Stupid to anyone and everyone. It is something we need to tackle, and it is something we need to do together because if we don't start acting soon, we won't have a world left to save. More shockingly, it won't be us who will have to deal with it, it will be our children.

"We knew how to profit the Earth but not how to protect it. After all our efforts the final act is suicide." - The Age of Stupid