I wasn't always this cold

I like to think that I'm a cold hearted bitch, that I'm emotionless and don't do romance. To me, if someone leaves a single red rose on my bag in the staff room it's not sweet or romantic its weird and funny, I laugh and I tell everyone in the process. But leave a pen on my till while you go on your break and I smile inside. I used to love, I used to know how to love. Now I don't.

I guess in some respect it's true, I am cold, I'm not romantic and I don't let people in easily. Part of me has always been like this, part of me has adapted to the aftermath of constantly dating losers. Yet as much as I long to love and to be loved in return I feel I am incapable of it. I'm the girl who watches films and cries all the way though, the girl who's heart skips a beat when the guy finally kisses the girl and secretly wishes that happened to me. I'm the girl who compares everything to the movies and moans that real life is never like that and then when for a short moment it does start to take that route I'm the girl who runs a mile. I'm the girl who doesn't like doing the chasing but hates being chased, the girl who wants the sweet guy but prefers the bad boy because at least when she gets hurt she was already prepared for it. I'm the girl who listens to love songs at night and cries because she feels she is slowly beginning to lose her belief in it. I'm the girl who longs to be called beautiful rather than 'fit' or 'hot', the girl who melts a little when some kisses her on her forehead. I'm the girl who has had enough of kissing random drunk people, who still prays for her Prince Charming to find her. I'm the girl who looks at all the couples and secretly envies them, even if they aren't perfect. I'm the girl who hopes she is getting towards the end of her film, the bit just before the 'happily ever after' ending.

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not as cold or as heartless as I like to think I am, but that maybe I'm just scared. I'm scared to get close to people, I'm scared to feel something for someone again, I'm scared to let someone feel for me, I'm scared to be on my own but I'm scared to share my life with someone again, I'm scared of getting hurt again and I'm scared of hurting someone else.

If I was heartless I wouldn't feel this bad.