Thursday, 25 February 2010

Look in the mirror and what do you see

Sometimes, although we shouldn't we can't help but compare ourselves to other people, and it is always that little bit worse when the person we compare ourselves to is someone who is close to us.

I've wrote about her before in a post I saved to my drafts and never published - some thoughts are best left eternally private - but just as she was then, she is now, a reflection of everything I will never be.

Some would argue that I have nothing to worry about, that I am beautiful in my own right. To me they are lost words, because I simply do not believe them. To spend a night as the shadow if the brightest light placed on this earth is a belittling feeling, to spend an entire friendship like that is painful.

And it angers me. It angers me that I do this, that I compare myself to someone who has been one the greatest friends I have ever had. Yes she has her flaws and yes she has done things at times which I will never forget and will always be hurt by, but we all slip up at times - I guess this is my slip up.

She walks in to a room and everyone sees her, they stop and look and they remember.

Will you remember me when I'm gone?

On nights out boys flock to her, swarming around her with hungry eyes, fighting over her attention. On occasions I have been this girl - I hated it.

I hated people seeing me and wanting, expecting, asking for that one thing I was never gonna give them. I hated that people had that expectation of me, because I am better than that. At times of course I slipped up, I gave in to passion and lost my beliefs and gave them what they wanted and all it left me feeling was used, little and dirty.

But that is how people see her. And she has no problem with that. She enjoys it, and it is the seeing her enjoying it that I envy. She feeds off their lusting and has the power, she gives in to some people and she boasts about it, she is proud of her sexuality and makes - what some might call - the most of it. Good for her, but I can't do that. Not anymore.

I want to be the girl who lights up a room and has the banter, the girl people sometimes flirt with but respect her too much to try anything because they know she wouldn't give in to one pointless night of 'passion'. I don't want to be the pretty girls friend whose name no one even asks for let alone remembers anymore.

That role got tiresome a long time ago.

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