Monday, 19 October 2009

A moment to wake up - 14.10.09

I had a dream about you last night.

At first it was a normal dream, didn’t quite make sense, places looked different but to me I knew exactly where I was. There was a big thing going on at the SU, students everywhere and you were working. I tried to avoid you as much as possible; I even went up to the top floor of the building ‘cause I knew you never worked on that floor. Eventually I was too drunk to care and I came back down to the floor you were working on to look for you. Stumbling around I saw I you and I changed my mind instantly. I turned around and started looking for my friends but it was too late, you had already seen me.

You came over to ask how I was but instead we started shouting at each other. You told me you loved me, that you always had, only, when I tried to tell you I loved you back you told me I was lying. You said the reason we never worked was because I was too afraid to let you love me. I didn’t understand how you could say those words to me; how you could try and tell me I was wrong.

I started to storm off, angry and annoyed but you followed me. I went to say something else but began feeling sick. Too much alcohol. You held back my hair as I threw up over the bridge. You didn’t say anything that night in a romantic way, you were angry. I couldn’t understand it but you were mad at me for how you felt. We argued some more and I drunkenly screamed at you, I broke down a little bit. I tried to run away but you grabbed me by the arm, pulling me into your body. You hugged me, just held me there in your massive arms and you began to talk to me. No more raised voices.

We lay on the ground just like we had so many time before, my head rested on your chest and we talked and I cried but I felt safe. The drama was over once again and we were starting to talk...

But before we could resolve anything I woke up. I tried so hard to get back to sleep, to find that moment again and carry on. For the first time in weeks I felt happy and safe and loved. But none of it was real, it was all a dream. To wake up and know that you don’t love me, that you never have and that everything you said in my dream was all imagery hurt so much. I keep thinking about it, picturing your face when you said those three words that I still long to hear.

I’ll never have a real memory of that, only the one I made up in my sleep. You’ll never hold me safe in your massive arms again, because how can that be my safe place, how can I be safe when I’m with you when you are the one who has hurt me more than anyone else.

Once your arms were my sanctuary. I never felt as safe as I did when I was locked in them, my body against yours, my head resting on your chest, your lips kissing my forehead, but it’s gone now. And no matter how much I dream about it or how real those dreams feel I’m never getting that sanctuary back.

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