Tuesday, 11 May 2010

I have more fire than you could ever imagine, so stand out of my way or you're going to get burnt.

I'm beginning to think that maybe the past never really leaves you, that it can never been experienced and then forgotten about and locked up in that tiny little box that you keep under your bed. That the pain from the past, no matter how much you insist you are over it, can ever really be let go of.

I have never had my past thrown back in my face as much as i have the last week. I have never had so many hateful nasty hurtful things said to me about a person that i no longer am, by someone who claims to always have had, and always will have, a special place for me in their heart. I have never felt the backlash of events which happened over a year ago as much as i am beginning to now.

I made mistakes. I did stupid things. I dealt with my problems in the most unconventional ways possible. I became a person i did not recognise and there was not one moment when i ever felt anything other than self loathing towards myself.

I feel i judged myself enough to not require this new added loathing from someone else. I realise that my decisions hurt other people and i thought that i had apologised enough for that. I refuse to make any more apologises for how i fixed myself then, and how i may chose to again now and i do not expect verbal abuse from anyone, especially the person who led me down this road.

I am done. I am done trying to care about someone who does not know what it is to truly feel love. I am done trying to convince myself that we can be friends. I am done trying to believe that it will be easy.

I am done believing you when you say that what happened over a year and a half ago no longer matters to you, because obviously it does, otherwise you would not keep throwing it back in my face and becoming a person i never knew you could be.

You are not over it. So stop lying to yourself and pretending otherwise. Stop telling me how to deal with things when you clearly still have a lot to deal with yourself. Stop flitting between the same two girls again and again and again and preaching to me about what you can and cannot do.

I am nothing like you. And i am not that person i became for a short time last year. I am worth a million you and i am worth a million of her. The sooner you realise that the sooner you can finally begin to forgive me for things i apologised for a year ago.

Until then i am done with this, and us, and you.

You are not my friend. We have never been friends. So why don't we stop kidding ourselves into believing that we can be now.

It's over. Past, present and future.

I will not let it catch up with me any longer.

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