Saturday, 15 May 2010

one more before bed

a friendly note if you will.. i know sometimes my blogs might seem a bit self involved, a bit personal and without doubt a way off letting off some emotional steam and a couple of tears along the way. i don't know who reads my blog, i don't tend to ask. i know a few friends of mine who follow it and i know that some friends have read the odd one every now and then but in all honestly i would not care if anyone ever read my posts again. i simply use my blog as a way of processing my thoughts, of getting my emotions away from me and a way of telling someone - even if that someone is simply the blank page i write on - how i feel so that i do not need to bombard my friends constantly with my whiny self involved emotional crap. i know i can be self involved, we all can be, therefore i make no apology for what i write on this blog because this is my space and no oneelse's, you chose to read this, no one makes you, so if you don't like what i write stop reading :)

a few nights ago, while procrastinating from work, i found an old msn conversation. it was the conversation when i told my then best friend that i was in love with him. this conversation is over five years old. reading back my old words i realised how much i have grown, i could remember exactly how i used to feel about him, i used to get panic attacks worrying over how i would tell him, i cried myself to sleep most nights and when i finally plucked up the courage to tell him i remember the relief i felt knowing that that burden was finally unloaded from my shoulders.

it took him almost three years to finally tell me he loved me back, and by then i had moved on and fell in love with my first boyfriend who i was with for two years. when he told me i felt an overwhelming rush of emotions, all of them crashing into each other and confusing themselves with one another. i didn't know what to feel.

things happened with my old best friend, mainly out of pure curiosity, and we soon both realised that we did not love each other the way we thought we did both then and previously. to realise that, especially when i was still coming to terms with my actual first love breaking up with me, was a difficult time. the blows hit me hard and i was lost for a very long time. i glued myself back together by becoming a person i in all honesty did not like, and it took a lot of time.

my point is, that the other night, when i found these conversations, i realised just how far i really have come. i can read those conversations now and speak to those people and i feel nothing but the love of a friendship. it does not mean that the way i felt five years ago was any less real, it just means i grew up.

in life we are handed a lot of heartache. we get hit, blow after blow. and we get over it. at the time it is the most painful thing we have ever felt and sometimes it feels like there is no way out of it, but there is.

we write countless love songs, and write a million blogs all logging our pain, because in reality it is so much easier to express pain than happiness. and there is nothing wrong with that. there is no time limit on how long something should take to get over. and sometimes we never do.

just because i got over my first love doesn't mean i didn't love him once. because i did, with all my heart i did.

right now people are hurting, anyone, i don't know who, this post is simply an observation bought to light by my own experiences. but believe me, from experience, it gets better.

in five, ten, twenty years, you won't even remember. you will read back your words and will be reminded of the heartache you felt, and you will feel unbelievably proud of yourself for how strong you became, even if that strength at the time was false.

we are dealt blows. and we take them hard, and they hurt, and we learn and move on. we get up and prepare ourselves for the next blow we may encounter, whenever that may be.

and eventually we are able to say
hit me. i'm ready.

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