Monday, 26 April 2010

There's gotta be more

Sometimes it is hard to process all the thoughts you have in your head. Even when none of them are particularly that bad.

It is difficult when you have things you want to talk about, but you do not want to feel as though you are talking forever.

Sometimes words lend themselves so perfectly to everything you are trying to express. Other times you just sit in silence, staring at the blank page.


Last night I had my first guitar 'lesson'. It was actually me and my best friend Boodge Lane, sitting with our guitars and him teaching me his favourite chords in hopes of me learning an RDD song - I still have a way to go!

After an hour or so of me going over the same four chords and sitting listening to Tom and Iain playing without flaw and wishing that I could one day be that good Iain left and me and Tom began to mess about with lyrics.

Within half an hour my blank sheet of paper was filled with lyrics, all sections of different potential songs. I began to feel inspired to write lyrics as Tom played on his guitar, adding in 'ch ch's whenever I felt necessary and I began to remember how magical writing music can be.

I literally didn't want to leave his room. I wanted to play and write and sing all night. I wanted to learn the guitar inside out there and then. I wanted to remember that passion, that drive, that love and affection for something again.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

I often wonder where it went. My passion. It used to be all I had. It used to be me. It was what got me up in a morning and what stopped me going to sleep at night. It was what I thought about all day every day and it was the only thing I ever saw myself ever doing. Now I don't have that.

Passion is now a lazy friend, a visitor who only makes an appearance every once in a while. Someone who you can not wait to see and when it finally gets there times passes too quickly and it has to leave almost as soon as it arrived. Passion is no longer me.

Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. More importantly a lot of the time I don't know what I am doing. I don't know where my path is taking me anymore and I am starting to lose the road ahead. I no longer trust the tour guide and I feel it is all a waste of my money and effort.

But I paid and I guess that means I'm in this till the end, until I reach my destination, wherever that may be.

It worries me sometimes that maybe it is not my passion that has been lost but my belief. I don't know if I believe in myself. I do not trust that I am anything special, but then I never really have. But how long can you expect your passion to stay alive without the belief that it will shine brighter than any other light in the universe?!

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed

I am scared. I am petrified. About many things really. About the path my life is taking. About my disability to actually focus enough and to care enough to do the things I need to do such as coursework and filling out important forms. About falling too fast and too hard for someone. About letting them fall for me. About them not falling for me at all. About the high pitched nuisance who always seems to creep into my days. About deleting Facebook and all the friends who suddenly find the idea of sending a text message a tiring taxing task. About the society I am part of that I feel invisible in. About the job I do not really care for. About the bank balance I am dying to blow on crap. About the money I need to save for hen parties abroad and dresses and general life. About what I want to do in life. About where I want to live. About where I want to go back to.

So I sit. And I waste my time drinking tea and pondering over the emptiness of my life. I idly dream about the possibility that there might actually be something more and I snatch it all away in the same thought knowing that even if there was I am not and never will be capable of reaching it.

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I want people to reach for the stars and to grab them with both hands and not let go.

I want people to believe in themselves and everyone around them. Yet I am incapable of doing it myself.

There's gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure. There's gotta be more

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