Thoughts.

Sometimes I think I have too many of them. I think my blog is proof of that. I need somewhere to get them out, away from me, vent my anger, my frustration.

Today it's frustration.

It's amazing how something you think is a good idea suddenly turns out to be completely the opposite. How by trying to fix things, to clear the air, to no longer be thought of as the 'bitch', manages you to gain all these thoughts, these possible feelings that were, you thought, gone.

And I wonder. I wonder if it's just because I'm lonely. I wonder if it's because I actually miss you. I wonder if I'm actually that stupid, that naive, that lonely that I'd actually consider it.

And the truth is I would.

I look at your smile and it makes me smile. I remember your laugh and it makes me laugh, and knowing that you're not a part of my life anymore makes me miss you.

Of course the alcohol and the repeat of Ludovico Einaudi doesn't help the mood, but it's something that's been playing on my mind for a while, so maybe I'm just hoping that these are excuses I can use to talk myself out of it, because honestly I know it would never in a million years be a good idea. Even though I wish it was.