Friday, 11 December 2009

My way

I guess I'm not as over it, as OK with it, as I thought I was.

I'm being strong and confident because I have to be. I'm being mature and the bigger person because its what I need to do right now. I'm turning up with a smile on my face because I don't want you to see how much you broke me.

For the next week I'm not aloud to be childish or petty because it'll be bought into the performance; I have to wait before I can break down, I have to wait until its OK for me to say all the things that are on my mind, I have to wait until I'm aloud to react to everything that has happened, everything that has been done to me, everything that has been said about me. I have to wait. And that's the hardest thing.

You have no idea how hard it is to turn up everyday, thinking I'm going to see you, only to find out that once again you're not going to be there. It's so difficult to keep building my confidence up, bringing the smile back and growing the thick skin so that I can perform with you without it affecting me. But every time you don't turn up is another day I've spent building myself back up for nothing, and the let down is so painful. I need to see you, to get it over with and you can't even give me that. And then to make things even worse people feel the need to stick their noses in where they aren't wanted. It's my business. Not theirs, so stay out of it. Stop getting involved.

If you don't like the things my friends have said to you take it up with them or me, not anyone else, because it has nothing to do with them and you're involving them for no reason and hurting me even more than you already have in the process.

I know you could say it's none of her business either, that she has no right to say those things to you because this is between you and me but she does. She's speaking for me, she's saying all those things I'm not aloud to yet, and it may be petty and a cheap shot but its what I wish I was able to say, but am not aloud to yet.

You're not going to get beat up, the girls aren't going to hurt you, they just want to make you feel as bad and as little and as small and as pathetic and as worthless and as meaningless as you made me feel. They are the ones who have seen me break down, seen me at my lowest. They are the ones who have stayed up with me all night when I've been crying my eyes out and are the ones who have encouraged me to eat just a piece of toast when I haven't eaten for days because I physically wasn't able to. They are the ones who have sat with me in silence because although I had nothing to say to them I wasn't ready to be on my own yet. They're the ones who have put off essays for an hour while I've cried and repeated the same sentence over and over again, trying to make sense of everything you said and did, trying to find a reason for me ever deserving this.

So they do have the right. They have all the rights. And if you can't handle it well tough, you'll just have to grin and bare it because right now this is how I'm coping.

I mean it when I say you mean nothing to me now, and I mean it when I say you're just a boy I used to know, but that doesn't mean that you didn't once mean something to me, because you did. And it doesn't mean that you were always 'just a boy' because you weren't, for a short time you were special to me, and that's what I'm getting over now.

Please just let me do it, my way.

I think you owe me that.

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