Wednesday, 2 December 2009

I don't know what to write.

Usually I write about my emotions, about whats bugging me, whats on my mind. But tonight there isn't anything to write about, even though there should be.

There should be so much for me to cry over, so much to make me angry to make me need to share my bed with my best friend because I just can't stand to be on my own. It would make sense to be how I was last week, crying in the rain slumped up a bus stop unable to walk anymore. But I'm not.

I've given up, lost my emotions, I've got nothing more to give and I couldn't feel any calmer about the whole thing.

My friends are angry, my friends want me to be angry. But I just don't feel it.

I've done my crying. I've shed my tears. I've been angry and I've been jealous. I've been paranoid and I've been irrational. I've cared and I've cared and I've cared until I've had nothing else to give and have broken down. But now I don't even have that.
And I'm OK with that.

I'm OK with rising above it. I'm OK with knowing that however it turns out, that whoever gets hurt, I haven't done anything wrong. At all. If anything I'm the victim. I don't mind that. Not anymore.

Together they've broken me. Every single one of them. And some have started to put me back together again before deciding to break me again and now I'm done. I'm done being broken. I'm done letting them. I'm done letting my friends glue me back together because they shouldn't have to.

Maybe this break is the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe this is the break that fixed me. The one that's finally made me realise that the only person who isn't going to hurt me is myself. I'm happy now, if this is how it is, if he chooses her that's fine, if he chooses me that's fine, but if he chooses me I don't know if I even care now. In my mind it ended the moment she said they were together. Whether they are or not now it doesn't matter.

I've said it too many times that they're not gonna break me anymore.. Maybe its about time its true.

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