Detox time

I've been thinking a lot recently about a lot of things. My life seems to be constantly in a complicated tangle of dramas which all seem to arise at similar times and then disappear together just as fast as they arouse, before once again returning for a second lot of head bashing on my part. I think has a lot to do with, quite obviously, my being a girl and my need to think about every little detail of every little event for a very long time, usually resulting in me making a much larger deal of things than they actually are. The other reason for a lot of this is due to Facebook.

It seems that nothing is private anymore, everyone knows everything about everyone and then we all moan about it that nothing stays private anymore when in reality is it entirely our own fault for broadcasting every single emotion we ever have to the entire cyber community. Things move too fast now, no one is happy to let time take its course and just unravel. If someone doesn't text back straight away we grow impatient and log into Facebook just to see if they are online so we can bug them there as well. We sit for hours looking at peoples photos from the previous night out and then wait five minutes at a time for a reply to a message we sent rather than involving ourselves in personal conversation. We start conversations with 'have you seen this on Facebook' and people are no longer classed as 'official' in relationships until the little heart symbol appears. Similarly, when our hearts get broken and a relationship ends once again 200 odd people are instantly told via a broken heart symbol and a short sentence saying 'single', which then leads to people who we haven't spoken to in years sending us wall messages asking what happened and if we're alright, trying to get all the gossip, and we are left feeling emotional and tired and as though we are display to the whole world. But then who's fault is that?!

So I guess this comes down to my decision to detox.

I think my life right now would be a lot easier if I didn't text certain people for a while, if I removed myself from Facebook, even if just for a week. Maybe I need a break from all those things that constrict my life stories development. I need to stop rushing things, to stop living my life by what Facebook says is happening and go out there and see it for myself rather than over a computer screen.

This wasn't meant to be such an anti-Facebook post, it was meant to be about me not texting certain people for a while, about waiting for them to come to me, but maybe this is just as important for now.

So bye bye Facebook. Even if only for a day, it will be an extra day in my life I'll be living rather than wasting!

Some people just like having their fingers in too many pies...

...and although they all taste lovely if you don't pick one you're going to get sick.

I guess this one's for you.

I guess it really is water off a ducks back with you. Only you seem to forget that I'm the one who is rolling off your back, swept up in a wave and left to drift away like a drop in the ocean.

I'm drowning in a sea of people and no one seems to notice that it's because of you and everything you did. You all just sail on by looking blindly at the million lonely droplets that make up the river you are traveling.

Do you know what it is like to be fully surrounded but completely alone? I don't think you do. You don't know how it feels to be the drop that is left to fall with no second thought.

You don't even have a clue.

I wasn't always this cold

I like to think that I'm a cold hearted bitch, that I'm emotionless and don't do romance. To me, if someone leaves a single red rose on my bag in the staff room it's not sweet or romantic its weird and funny, I laugh and I tell everyone in the process. But leave a pen on my till while you go on your break and I smile inside. I used to love, I used to know how to love. Now I don't.

I guess in some respect it's true, I am cold, I'm not romantic and I don't let people in easily. Part of me has always been like this, part of me has adapted to the aftermath of constantly dating losers. Yet as much as I long to love and to be loved in return I feel I am incapable of it. I'm the girl who watches films and cries all the way though, the girl who's heart skips a beat when the guy finally kisses the girl and secretly wishes that happened to me. I'm the girl who compares everything to the movies and moans that real life is never like that and then when for a short moment it does start to take that route I'm the girl who runs a mile. I'm the girl who doesn't like doing the chasing but hates being chased, the girl who wants the sweet guy but prefers the bad boy because at least when she gets hurt she was already prepared for it. I'm the girl who listens to love songs at night and cries because she feels she is slowly beginning to lose her belief in it. I'm the girl who longs to be called beautiful rather than 'fit' or 'hot', the girl who melts a little when some kisses her on her forehead. I'm the girl who has had enough of kissing random drunk people, who still prays for her Prince Charming to find her. I'm the girl who looks at all the couples and secretly envies them, even if they aren't perfect. I'm the girl who hopes she is getting towards the end of her film, the bit just before the 'happily ever after' ending.

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not as cold or as heartless as I like to think I am, but that maybe I'm just scared. I'm scared to get close to people, I'm scared to feel something for someone again, I'm scared to let someone feel for me, I'm scared to be on my own but I'm scared to share my life with someone again, I'm scared of getting hurt again and I'm scared of hurting someone else.

If I was heartless I wouldn't feel this bad.

In a nutshell..

I like to slap, punch and headbutt people when i am drunk and drink hot chocolate with a twirl 'straw'. I need a cup of tea in the morning if i want any chance of being in a good mood. When i'm a bitch i'm a BITCH! I won't add my mom on facebook cause i think she'll hate me. I like making friends and keeping them forever! I love dressing up. I change my mind about things a lot and confuse people in the process. I like typing in lower case because i think 'i's look prettier with a dot above them. I love singing and Cole's can't dance!! I miss my brother and my best girls from home. I've been hurt a lot and I've learnt not to trust people on face value. I'm a giant kid but I'm also very wise. I don't hold grudges because I don't see the point in wasting my time on people who do not matter to me, I'd rather just ignore them. I don't know if i believe in love anymore but the idea of it is enough to keep me going. I am not very romantic, sweet gestures tend to annoy me, i'd rather have the banter and play fights than kisses and cuddles all the time. I wasn't always this cold. I want to sing and act and I want to educate people while I do this. I want children to want to learn rather than being made to. I want young adults to know that there is more for them than the environment they have been brought up in. I want people to reach for the stars and grab them with both hands. I think the most lucky of people are the people who get to die doing what they love. I hope i die on stage.

And finally, the best piece of advice I ever got told was.... All me are dicks, every single one is going to hurt you only some will more than others.

Eyes open wide

The clouds danced on the river as I walked among the stars

I wish I could say it's you I'm crying over. But it's not. And for that I am sorry.

I'm sorry for a lot of things recently. I'm sorry that I care for someone who doesn't care back, I'm sorry I don't care enough for the person who probably cares about me more than anyone else, I'm sorry if it ever feels like I've led you on, that was never my intention, I'm sorry that I do silly drunken things with people who I know I shouldn't and I'm sorry that even though I am very aware of how big a mistake it is I do it anyway.

I go in with my eyes open wide, fully aware of the consequences that could arouse because of my actions and I do it anyway. Maybe my eyes are open blind or maybe I'm just trying to find some way to feel that rush again.

Do your job you silly wench :)

Today I was supposed to have some help flirting with the sandwich makers at uni except my wing(wo)man failed to do her job and I just ended up with two cups of tea and a chocolate bar. Because of this I decided to google the definition of wingman, just to give her some pointers should she chose to try again at helping making me look good. What I found made me smile quite a lot :)


Definition of Wingman...

Wingman is a role that a person may take when a friend needs support with approaching potential sexual partners. A wingman is someone who is on the "inside" and is used to help someone with relationships.

Procedure... (This made me laugh!!)

A pair of men often pick a desired woman, who is referred to as the "target". The man intending to seduce the target is often called the "Pilot". The "Wingman" is expected to back up the pilot, which typically entails distracting (distraction may take the form of casual conversation or attempting to pick up) the target's unattractive friend(s) and making comments that will make the "Pilot" seem more attractive. A group member of the "targets" party who disapproves of the "Pilot's" advances (commonly referred to as cockblocker) may also be prevented from interfering while socially and/or physically interacting with the wingman. When a wingman picks up an ugly friend, this is known as "taking a bullet."

The "Wingman" also motivates the "Pilot" to be social and practice approaching women. He helps the pilot approach pairs or groups of women without the awkwardness of being alone. He will take the less attractive woman of a pair or group so that the pilot can engage in conversation with the more attractive woman without interruption. The target may feel more relaxed talking to the pilot while her social obligation of entertaining her friend/s is taken care of by the "Wingman".

There are certain situations (i.e. emergencies) where the "Pilot" will approach targets with his "AW", commonly referred to as Automatic Wingman. The AW has the most experience in playing the role of wingman. Other responsibilities include remembering details (i.e. target's names aka "the bogey" and personal information) as well as compensating for intoxication in the judgment of the pilot.