this isn't how i expected it to end

two years ago i was writing my first blog. about the people who saved me, the ones who gave me floors and beds and showers and food. the ones i knew would be there for life.

one year ago i was writing about moving out of my first home from home. about the pain of letting go and beginning a new chapter, and about leaving behind the memories of the past for the better. my lifers had changed slightly but there were still those few whose friendship i never doubted would leave.

this year i write about the end. the actual end. about leaving behind the life i have known for three years, about the lifers who actually turned out to just in fact be yearers, there to keep me on a certain path for so long before trailing off and finding their own new paths, which in the process of doing so left me alone, confused and emotional at their depart.

losing the best friends you never doubted would leave is a painful process. it makes you doubt everything you thought you knew, it makes you doubt things more than any boyfriend leaving ever could. because the best friends, the lifers, they are the ones who are supposed to stay. always, regardless, eternally. that's the whole point in them being 'lifers'.

this past year i have lost too many lifers.

too many have become yearers.

too many have become acquaintances.

one has become a stranger. and now i fear soon another lifer shall add their name to the list of people i used to know.

three years ago i never would have doubted how this life would end.

i would have not believed that my lifers would in fact only be with me for the student life.

i would have bet everything i knew that they would be my lifers even after moving from this place. but now i fear that what i thought i knew three years ago and what i know today are chapters on two completely different pages from two completely different books.

but, just in case, if you are reading this, know that i would gladly take you back and have you as my lifer again. i miss you.

And your past, it knocks on your door and throws stones at your window at four in the morning

Miss independent said, oh she fell in love

I'm a little left off centre
I'm a little out of tune

Sometimes, being the girl that i am, i get a little irrational.

Sometimes, that time of the month gets to take over. If only for a second.

Sometimes, i get that feeling, and i worry without cause.

Sometimes, i need to force myself to switch my brain off.

Sometimes, it won't.

This is like nothing that has ever gone before, i don't feel upset, i don't feel paranoid, i don't feel as though the expected unexpectable is about to happen. I'm not second guessing and i'm not losing faith. I am simply falling. Falling, so incredibly fast into this amazing thing that i have wanted to be a part of for such a long time. Falling, into something that i never want to end. I am falling so fast that all i am wishing on is the future. That is the problem.

I'm so absorbed in this incredible feeling that i am forgetting to take time. I'm thinking so far ahead, about next week, next month, next year, even beyond that, that i am forgetting to experience the now.

Sometimes, i feel that i am so excited by the prospect of the future, that i miss the present.

Sometimes, i feel that i am currently so happy, that i am blind to the negatives.

Sometimes, i feel that i want so badly to be a part of this, that i am losing my independence.

Sometimes, i fear that i am so involved in being half of a pair that i forget how to live on my own.

Sometimes, i have to fight with everything that is in me to simply 'not care' just as much as i do.

My weakness is that i care too much <3

i wrote 222 words.

it seems the people who write in these books that i borrow are far too intelligent for my brain to follow. or maybe they're just dumb and over complicate sentences as not to draw attention to their lack of education. perhaps this is how i should approach my dissertation.

a collection of self doubt

The day grates away at me
passion falls to my feet
floating on by, trying not to drown
today is the beginning of hard times

I look in the mirror and all that’s reflected is failure
and I don’t stop to cry, I bottle it up and carry on

Sleep is calling me like a landslide

that I only wish I could crawl under
but to give in would be murder
so instead I lay awake and dream

With eyes open empty
and hearts full of hope
and wishing the passion still clung to myself
I look to the picture of you and i

Hope is restored
hope for the future
when this place is done and over

I wish away the time
for my life to start again
forget the past three years
of wasted money and effort
all in the name of a certificate to state for the record
how successfully I failed to amount to anything at all

I return home a nobody
with nothing to be proud of
except for the picture of you and i

Somebody told me once that one day i would find my --

I found my --

He was standing in front of me all along <3