Thursday, 16 June 2011

this isn't how i expected it to end

two years ago i was writing my first blog. about the people who saved me, the ones who gave me floors and beds and showers and food. the ones i knew would be there for life.

one year ago i was writing about moving out of my first home from home. about the pain of letting go and beginning a new chapter, and about leaving behind the memories of the past for the better. my lifers had changed slightly but there were still those few whose friendship i never doubted would leave.

this year i write about the end. the actual end. about leaving behind the life i have known for three years, about the lifers who actually turned out to just in fact be yearers, there to keep me on a certain path for so long before trailing off and finding their own new paths, which in the process of doing so left me alone, confused and emotional at their depart.

losing the best friends you never doubted would leave is a painful process. it makes you doubt everything you thought you knew, it makes you doubt things more than any boyfriend leaving ever could. because the best friends, the lifers, they are the ones who are supposed to stay. always, regardless, eternally. that's the whole point in them being 'lifers'.

this past year i have lost too many lifers.
too many have become yearers.
too many have become acquaintances.
one has become a stranger. and now i fear soon another lifer shall add their name to the list of people i used to know.

three years ago i never would have doubted how this life would end.
i would have not believed that my lifers would in fact only be with me for the student life.
i would have bet everything i knew that they would be my lifers even after moving from this place. but now i fear that what i thought i knew three years ago and what i know today are chapters on two completely different pages from two completely different books.

but, just in case, if you are reading this, know that i would gladly take you back and have you as my lifer again. i miss you.

No comments:

Post a Comment