Friday, 28 January 2011


People often say i do too much. They ask me when i stop. And the truth is i don't, not often. I'm always doing something, even though i always feel like i'm never doing enough. And the truth is i can't do it any more.

I'm exhausted.

By the time i finish work on Sunday i will have been working 16 days without a day off. But even then i don't get a day off because on Monday lectures start again. Thursday will be my first day off, and on Friday it will all start again.

I can't have cuddles because i have to get up early, i can't go out with my friends and blow off some steam because i have to be up early, i can't go home and see my brother on crutches after his operation because i'm working, i can't go home and see my mom before she goes in to hospital for the same operation my grandad had just weeks before he died because i'm working, and i can't take my dad shopping for his christmas present like i've been promising since early december because i'm too busy.

I have a best friend who i'm not sure is talking to me because i was too busy doing a 10 hour shift to text her happy birthday, because i was too busy to send her a card. I didn't get to call my nan on her birthday or go and visit her with my parents because i was working, and i didn't get to go out for one of my closest friends birthdays last night because i had to be up early for work.

I'm exhausted and i don't think i can do it any more.

I just want it to stop and slow down. Just for a moment. Just so i can catch up. Just so i can rest for a minute. Just so i can remember something other than this pure exhaustion.

I want to be able to enjoy the nights i lay in bed with my best friend watching greys anatomy, or the hours i sit watching my boy playing cod online. I want to be able to have more than a textual friendship with so many people and to actually have time to sit down with a cup of tea without feeling guilty. I want to be able to go and see my friend organise a gig for punk bands and to look forward to singing with the band at a friends birthday. I want to enjoy touring around schools and to not miss the travelling because i am so tired i need to sleep. I want to be able to cook proper meals and have time to do my washing up after. I want to have time to start my dissertation and do a good job on it. I want to have time to idly sit on facebook doing nothing.

I want to have time.

But time is a precious thing, something we so often take for granted. I honestly thought she was going to die, and i had wasted so much time, doing nothing, being nothing. I had wasted so many moments when i could have called her or text her, when i could have tried to visit home more often. I have never been so scared in all my life and it seems it is a feeling i am becoming too familiar with. I am so scared that the next time i am going to get to see her she will be lay in a hospital bed covered in tubes again with a cut on her neck; because i don't have time.

I just want to go home now.

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