Sunday, 14 June 2009

What a difference a day makes...

I'm stuck.

There are so many thoughts in my head. So many words slurred together, all rushing into a million different paths, all following a similar route, but all so very not the same at all.

Where do I start?!
Where do I even begin to imagine beginning?!
How do I unravel this?

The truth is, I don't think it can be unraveled. Because, maybe there is nothing to unravel.

Maybe I'm just losing myself in this crazy, hectic, spiraling mind of mine.


The same lines keep going round and around in my head.
"Tell me what you're thinking out loud."
If only I could.

"Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone. The worst is over."
But what if its not. What if this, if everything that has happened the past 8 months, is just the beginning. What if the worst never really started and this is it now; slowly consuming me.

Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe.

I'm not depressed. I no longer feel the need to cry myself to sleep every night. That nightmare ended a long time ago and for that I'm grateful.
I don't spend my days moping around, in fact, I'm actually the happiest I've been in, well, ever I think.
And that's what bothers me.

What if there is never another 'time'. What if I never decide to end this comfort zone I'm in now. What if no one will ever be perfect ever again. That could happen.

I think I'm a little too fussy.

He buys me flowers. I'm freaked.
I see them. I'm smiling beyond belief.

We arrange a date. I'm scared, worried, nervous, not at all interested.
I go. I have an awesome time and don't want it to end.

We arrange a 2nd date, a day out. I'm excited but nervous, this is only our 2nd date!
We spend the day together. I have an awesome time and don't want it to end.

He drives for 2 hours just to pick me up from work. I'm... not fussed.
We watch films and eat cheesecake. I'm suffocated, I need space, I can't cope with the closeness.

How does that make any sense? At all? I know, it doesn't. None of it does.
And its the same story. Again and again and again.

I don't cope with needy.
I don't cope with attention.
I don't cope with whiney.
I don't cope with texting all the time and seeing each other loads.
Yet when I don't get attention, when they're not there, I miss them.
But when they are there and I have attention, I want them to leave me alone.

I guess its always been this way.

Even before.
So I can't blame him. He didn't break me.
I guess I've just always been Royally Emotionally Stunted!

No comments:

Post a Comment