Monday, 5 July 2010

A long time coming...

I feel i have neglected my blog quite recently, which is silly, as this is one of those times i need to write down my thoughts so that i can try and process them.. things are a big fat muddle!

Do you ever find yourself listening to a song, and it makes you want to cry, it sends shivers down your spine, it gets stuck in your head and you believe that if this was a film we were living this would, for the moment, be your title soundtrack song? I am having one of those moments. One of those moments when i don't really know where this scene is going but i wish it was just a film, purely because i can't wait to skip over all the unsureness of the biggest part of it and come to my concluding end.

I watched Eclipse the other night. Advanced preview screening. It was amazing. Completely the best out of the three films so far, and it reminded me how much i love the books, especially that one, so i have started them again. I have just got back from buying the soundtrack album.

Sometimes i can't help but relate with Bella, as silly as that may sound. Not with the oh-my-god-my-boyfriend-is-a-vampire issue of course, but with the unsureness of everything. With the decisions, the choices, with the wanting to please everyone and pleasing no one by doing it. With the 'golden retriever' qualities of certain people and the not knowing of how to let them down gently. With no hint never being a big enough NO.

I spent the last day and a half in Loughborough with an old friend. Someone i have known for years, someone i only get to see every other year - if i'm lucky. I went for his birthday, it was a year and a half - almost to the day - since i had last seen him. I had a lovely time.

Yet as lovely as the time was it was also quite hard. Catching up on a year and a half's events means opening and talking about a lot of doors you have otherwise closed - or that, at least, you thought you had. It involves getting to know each other again, getting to tell all the darkest moments of the time you'v spent a part and getting to laugh at all the good times you have both experienced, as well as reminiscing on the last time you were together.

Of course the bad times are always the ones better remembered.

And then you come home. Full of stories for the family, hellos from people they too, haven't seen in a while. And you are left to get back to your regular everyday mundane life, the escape you felt while eating lunch in the park or walking round an unexplored town or sleeping in one of the many bedrooms in one of the biggest houses you have ever stepped foot in, have all left you, and now it is time for the routine to begin again.

And with every escape from that grey routine you tread so oftenly you always escape from thoughts, from feelings, from problems, from worries, and as soon as the green mile is placed back in front of your feet you welcome yourself a whole new, fresh, untouched, unfelt, pallet of thinking, of feeling, of worrying, of problems that seem so far away from being solved.

And all you can do and hope and think and wish, is that this soundtrack would start a new song now please.

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