Treat 'em mean, Keep 'em keen

I wish I could figure him out. It drives me crazy how much he gets into my head without even doing anything! But I guess that's the whole point right?!

Hes hot and hes cold and it is literally driving me mad! I can't think of anything else but him, and he doesn't even realise.

I wonder if he would still do it if he knew how it makes me feel, and I wonder if I should tell him I'm falling for him and then I wonder if he'd really care.

It's annoying how different boys and girls are. I'm not the most high maintenance of people, I'm happy to have my own space and be independent, in fact it's what I love more about my life than anything else, but still, a text every now and then, even if it's just to say hi wouldn't go a miss! That is all I'm asking for. Is that really too much?!

He hasn't text in over 3 days, not a word, and if it wasn't for how it ended last time it wouldn't bother me but I feel like I'm relationship limbo. I'm not taken, but in my heart I'm not single either. Sickening isn't it!! I went out and a group of lads were talking to me all night, and it was clear they wouldn't have said no if I'd have offered it, but I didn't want to. Not even a kiss. Talking was as far as I was happy to let it go and even then all I really wanted to be talking to was him.

He's the first guy I've felt this way about since I had my heart broken a year ago tomorrow and when I'm with him it's like the world stops turning and it's just me and him. I could lie in his arms forever. I feel safe there, and he makes me feel special and pretty and beautiful and interesting and I love everything about us when we're together and every time I see him I can feel myself falling just a little bit deeper. But I won't. I can't let myself fall in love with him, as much as maybe I want to, because I don't feel like he'd ever really understand just how much he already means to me, let alone how much he could if he gave me the chance.

I want to get out of this limbo I seem to constantly be in, but how can I when all he seems to do is disappear. He left for 3 months last time, and I missed him so much, and I was so angry at him but I still let him back in.

Maybe I'm stupid... I honestly think I am. But I also think it could be worth it if he would just stop playing games with me.

I guess the phrase 'Treat 'em mean, Keep 'em keen' exists for a reason. And it's certainly working with me. I just hate how much of a sucker I am.

Thoughtless

I want to write something, but I don't know what. I currently have no thoughts in my head. So lets see how it goes...

Right now I'm sitting in my living room back in Dudley listening to The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song by The Flaming Lips. I love this song.
It reminds me of the wonderful two weeks I spent in London not so long ago. But still that's not a thought I have in my head to talk about.

There are so many things I should be thinking about, so many parts of my life right now I should be processing and sorting. But I'm not. I don't feel the need to think about things I probably really should think about. I don't feel like its time yet to fix all the mistakes I can feel myself making. That time hasn't arrived yet. And this annoys me.

I want to be ready to tell him its not gonna happen. And I want to be able to tell him that I want it to happen. But I'm scared. And I'm not ready. And I need to see him first, before I can tell either of them. I want to feel free to feel whatever I want without fear of getting hurt or looking foolish. I want the power to love like I've never been hurt before. But I have and I'll never have that power. I don't blame anyone for that, but sometimes I wish I did.

It would be so much easier if this summer had gone differently. If we hadn't have messed up, if it hadn't have ended, if we had stuck to the plans we started to make. But we did mess up, and it did end, and the plans changed.

Part of me is glad that it happened this way 'cause its teaching me to trust you again, and its teaching me to relax and not worry and to just believe that you do like me and that it will work. If I relax. So much easier said than done.

And now I'm very aware that I'm ranting. I've finally found a thought in my head that maybe is bothering me more than I realised. But I am scared. I can't deny that. I'm scared to like you. And I'm scared to fall for you. I'm scared of this more than I am of getting hurt by you again. And I wish I could tell you this to your face. But I can't.

I can't tell you. Anything. Not yet.


Wow.. turns out I do have some thoughts after all.

Inspirational

I'm going to London!!!

Not to visit the Queen, no. I'm going for something much MUCH more exciting than that! I'm going to work with National Youth Theatre for two weeks with a selection of talented young people I am yet to meet and I can not bloody wait!!!

My wonderful Dad will be driving me there in around 9 hours time and I really should be sleeping right now but I'm just too darn excited!

This is an amazing opportunity I have been blessed with and I'm planning on living it to the max!!

Over 4000 people audition a year and only a select few get through to go on a two week course in London. Amazingly I am one of those people. The realisation of this has only hit me today as I packed my tiny little red suitcase on wheels.

This summer has been amazing. Truely. I've worked on a short film with a local director, I'm going to London for two weeks then three days later I'm starting work with Vamos Theatre in Worcester until the uni second year starts.

I feel as though I am finally doing something with my life. Something I am truely passionate about, something I can see, something I can feel, something that other people will see me experiencing and smile about because they know that at long last I am living MY dream!

Whats the point in the dream if you're not gonna go chase it?!

Chase it. Chase it and catch it and hold onto it for all its worth. If you don't, if all you ever do is dream without making that dream a reality you're wasting it.

Anything is possible, you just have to believe it!

This summer, this last year and all the events that have led up to it, all the times I cried cause I felt lost, all the times I felt inspired by someone else doing what I want to do, all the times I've seen someone younger than me further ahead because they've driven themselves harder than I've had the guts to, have made me realise this. And I'm not about to let it go without a fight!!

Thinking time

This last year has left me thinking about a lot of things. I've evaluated myself and the decisions I make a lot, and I'm starting to wonder if I like the person I can see myself slowly becoming.

One of my favourite lines from a TV programme is so simple, but so true, and when you listen to the whole quote it becomes even more mind blowing and meaningful. I've been thinking about this line a lot recently -

There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who
you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes
they're big moments you never saw coming.

For me the little moments can be anything as simple as smiling at a stranger or setting out ten minutes later than planned and miss running into a friend at uni, they are the times I've looked at my phone just as the caller hangs up, letting someone jump the queue cause you're not in the biggest of rushes or asking someone if you can jump the queue because you are in a rush.

They're the times I've held back my friends hair while she's been sick rather than letting her get it on her, the times I've let someone have their way to keep the peace, the times I've not said what I really wanted to or sugar coated something so not to upset someone else. These moments seem so innocent at first that you hardly notice them. But what happens when these little peace keepers start to control your life and result in you backing out of what you really want? What happens when the little moments add up to the big ones?

The biggest moment for me was when my boyfriend broke up with me. Although I half expected it I didn't really think it would ever happen. It broke my heart and there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't my decision and I couldn't do anything to change it. I think what hurt the most was knowing that we both still loved each other, if he could have said 'I don't love you anymore' I would have accepted it, it would have still hurt but I would have known that that was it. But knowing that there were still feelings there on both sides cut me a thousand times deeper than the initial cut of breaking up.

I was a mess. For a long time I was a mess.

I tried to find ways out of the pain by rebelling from the person I'd always known me to be. To me sex had always been a special thing, something you experienced with someone you loved, only when you loved them. It was to be enjoyed but it was to mean something too. Within a matter of days I lost my whole belief system.

I couldn't feel for a long time. Every emotion was the same numb nothingness. Even the times I seemed happy everything was clouded over by pain.

Eventually my friends dragged me out of it. And for that I will be eternally grateful. I was made to look back at decisions I had made in the past and realised how I had made them for the wrong reasons. These could either become regrets I would live with and carry with me everywhere or they would become lessons for me to learn from.

Ten months on I'm still learning to cope with the change. In one e-mail I lost my best friend and my boyfriend. I lost my future and my past, because really what was the point in the past if the future had been erased. Suddenly it all meant nothing.

The pain is gone now and although the love isn't the same anymore, it will always be there, because he was, for a time, 'the one'. I've seen him for the first time since we broke up now and it felt like my best friend had come home and left all the pain of breaking up behind us. When he walked through the door I only saw the friend I lost ten months ago. That was when I knew that I was over him.

I'm broken. But not from him anymore. From decisions I have made instead, or maybe that's just me growing up. And that thought brings me to the end of the quote -

No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

I did a lot of stupid things when my life changed, but I decided not to regret any of them, no matter how stupid or irresponsible or hurtful they may have been because regret is wasted time. Instead I decided to learn from them and to try and not make the same mistakes again. Sometimes this idea doesn't work, but its OK because I'm still finding out who I am.

Dreams

Anticipation filled my body as I began to pack my bag, ready to spend my first official night away from home. This was nothing like the excitement of a sleep over or a holiday. This was something that was mine, that I owned. Most importantly, this was brand new.

I boarded the train and read as I waited to get that much closer to my new room, my new home. The journey seemed to pass much faster than usual, partly due to my excitement to arrive in my new home town but also due to my involvement in the book I was reading. It was almost impossible to put it back into my backpack to continue my journey 'home' but this new excitement managed to force my hand.

After meeting friends and checking out Internet deals around town along with a number of other miscellaneous tasks that needed doing, we left for home. The bus journey was over quickly, ending almost right outside my new residence, leaving just a short walk in the blistering sun before carrying my first selection of clothes over the threshold.

The rooms had all been cleaned since I last visited a few weeks ago and the small bungalow had already been lived in by two of my three friends I was sharing with and their boyfriends. It was welcoming to finally enter a place where I knew I no longer needed to ask permission to do the simple things like go to the toilet or make a drink. Finally, after eight months of waiting patiently, I could stop living out of a bag and belong.

I put the few mini boxes of cereal I had brought into my cupboard and my carton of milk into the fridge, then explored around the kitchen, finding the new homes of cutlery, plates and dishtowels and noticed that my idea of moving the microwave to another corner of the kitchen counter had been done. This place really was mine.

The rest of the day passed slowly as I had found time to often do here. So much more seemed to get done and time never seemed to pass at all. Completely different to the constant tiring fast pace of Dudley.

After cooking tea with a join effort and sitting for the first time around the table to eat we decided to watch a film to celebrate my first night here. The others had already celebrated their first night with a Chinese a week earlier, and had had a barbeque the night before in the garden, the remains of which still stood upon a makeshift cooking station, created by a collection of house bricks and a stool sized table under the shelter of a small overhanging tree.

The sofa moulded itself around my body as I sat hugging my legs, my head rested on my knees. The laptop made a noise as it began to read the disk and eventually the light coming from the screen filled the small glass conservatory. This was the first time I had truly felt at home, sitting on my sofa, with my housemates before residing to my bed. This is the thing dreams had been made of for the last eight months, finally my dream had come true and I hoped I never had to wake from it.


It was daunting that night. I slowly climbed into bed, savouring ever second, the same way I had earlier when I entered my new garden for the first time. This was the kind of moment you couldn't let excitement rush you through for fear of forgetting that highly anticipated feeling. This was not a moment I was going to let slip through my fingers, as insignificant as it may seem.

I turned off the light and watched as the heat from the glowing bulb cooled and the room slowly turned to a darker shade of night. The bed sheets were stiff and unfamiliar, never slept in. The tick of the bed side clock was a sweet annoying comfort, reminding me of the noisy silence of my room at home. It soothed me, filling whatever anxiety I had with a small piece of home; even here, so many miles away. Slowly I began to drift to sleep.

My dreamless sleep ended early as the sun broke through the thick pink material of my curtains and woke me hours before my alarm was set to go off. Groggily I looked around. My new room. I'd survived my first night in Worcester.

What a difference a day makes...

I'm stuck.

There are so many thoughts in my head. So many words slurred together, all rushing into a million different paths, all following a similar route, but all so very not the same at all.

Where do I start?!
Where do I even begin to imagine beginning?!
How do I unravel this?

The truth is, I don't think it can be unraveled. Because, maybe there is nothing to unravel.

Maybe I'm just losing myself in this crazy, hectic, spiraling mind of mine.

Maybe.


The same lines keep going round and around in my head.
"Tell me what you're thinking out loud."
If only I could.

"Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone. The worst is over."
But what if its not. What if this, if everything that has happened the past 8 months, is just the beginning. What if the worst never really started and this is it now; slowly consuming me.

Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe.


I'm not depressed. I no longer feel the need to cry myself to sleep every night. That nightmare ended a long time ago and for that I'm grateful.
I don't spend my days moping around, in fact, I'm actually the happiest I've been in, well, ever I think.
And that's what bothers me.

What if there is never another 'time'. What if I never decide to end this comfort zone I'm in now. What if no one will ever be perfect ever again. That could happen.

I think I'm a little too fussy.

He buys me flowers. I'm freaked.
I see them. I'm smiling beyond belief.

We arrange a date. I'm scared, worried, nervous, not at all interested.
I go. I have an awesome time and don't want it to end.

We arrange a 2nd date, a day out. I'm excited but nervous, this is only our 2nd date!
We spend the day together. I have an awesome time and don't want it to end.

He drives for 2 hours just to pick me up from work. I'm... not fussed.
We watch films and eat cheesecake. I'm suffocated, I need space, I can't cope with the closeness.

How does that make any sense? At all? I know, it doesn't. None of it does.
And its the same story. Again and again and again.

I don't cope with needy.
I don't cope with attention.
I don't cope with whiney.
I don't cope with texting all the time and seeing each other loads.
Yet when I don't get attention, when they're not there, I miss them.
But when they are there and I have attention, I want them to leave me alone.

I guess its always been this way.

Even before.
So I can't blame him. He didn't break me.
I guess I've just always been Royally Emotionally Stunted!

Can't hurt can it?!

Just got home at last from the most tiresome day I've had in a long time!

I started back at work today, the first day there in over a year. A LOT of new faces, but apart from that nothing seems to have changed. It was just like putting on an old pair of shoes - they've already been worn in, they're comfy and they'll never really change.

Then it was off to the park with a friend I haven't seen for around 4 years. Time to enjoy the sun, throw grass at each other and play connect four on a touch phone! Bliss :)

After a meal with family and close friends its off to the girlie's house for some good catch up time and a glass of coke in front of the TV before coming home to finally see these flowers I had delivered yesterday.

...What can I say?

They're beautiful. And no matter how much my girlfriends tell me its a bit OTT and stalkerish I can't help but listen to my guy mates who all think its mega sweet and a totally unexpected thing for a boy to do. Things like this only happens in the movies?!

Then there is the smile that won't go away every time the bright big bunch of flowers catch my eye. They didn't come cheap!

This is the first time anyone has ever brought me flowers like this. And the note is quite sweet. So one date couldn't hurt right? It may be time to reply now. I think I've made him wait long enough :)

"How about Wednesday?" ... "I think Wednesday would be lovely."