Thoughtless

I want to write something, but I don't know what. I currently have no thoughts in my head. So lets see how it goes...

Right now I'm sitting in my living room back in Dudley listening to The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song by The Flaming Lips. I love this song.
It reminds me of the wonderful two weeks I spent in London not so long ago. But still that's not a thought I have in my head to talk about.

There are so many things I should be thinking about, so many parts of my life right now I should be processing and sorting. But I'm not. I don't feel the need to think about things I probably really should think about. I don't feel like its time yet to fix all the mistakes I can feel myself making. That time hasn't arrived yet. And this annoys me.

I want to be ready to tell him its not gonna happen. And I want to be able to tell him that I want it to happen. But I'm scared. And I'm not ready. And I need to see him first, before I can tell either of them. I want to feel free to feel whatever I want without fear of getting hurt or looking foolish. I want the power to love like I've never been hurt before. But I have and I'll never have that power. I don't blame anyone for that, but sometimes I wish I did.

It would be so much easier if this summer had gone differently. If we hadn't have messed up, if it hadn't have ended, if we had stuck to the plans we started to make. But we did mess up, and it did end, and the plans changed.

Part of me is glad that it happened this way 'cause its teaching me to trust you again, and its teaching me to relax and not worry and to just believe that you do like me and that it will work. If I relax. So much easier said than done.

And now I'm very aware that I'm ranting. I've finally found a thought in my head that maybe is bothering me more than I realised. But I am scared. I can't deny that. I'm scared to like you. And I'm scared to fall for you. I'm scared of this more than I am of getting hurt by you again. And I wish I could tell you this to your face. But I can't.

I can't tell you. Anything. Not yet.


Wow.. turns out I do have some thoughts after all.