Tapped out

Today I went to see "the boy" in his first MMA fight in Cheltenham. For months he has been trying to get me to go and see him and for months I have been saying I never would, afraid of seeing him get hurt and of me beginning to cry. Then a few weeks ago I decided that I should be a supportive girlfriend and go and see the boy who I care for more than anyone else get his ass kicked or kick someone elses!

So today my lovely friend Sam drove myself and Boodge Lane to Cheltenham to witness our first ever live cage fight.

When we first set out I was not nervous or worried at all. I just wanted to show my support, then as we neared our destination I felt the nerves begin to kick in. I suddenly went very quite and felt my hands beginning to clam.

Then we realised "the boy" had given us the wrong postcode and we were no where near the venue and my nerves disappeared.

When we finally got to the Trojan gym where it was taking place and I saw the cage he was going to be fighting in I began to feel a little sick and slightly emotional, upset at the thought of my boyfriend being locked in there with a potentially massive grown man with a skin head and tattoos all up his back and arms.

After a half an hour wait I decided to go to the toilet to calm myself a little. In there I met a girl call Natalie. She asked me if I could do French platts and asked me if I could tie her hair out of her face, she said how she was nervous as today was going to be her first fight too. Speaking to her I felt all of my worry begin to fade as I realised that it was not something to worry about and that this is actually quite a respectful sport. This was then echoed as the fights began to take place, all beginning and ending with a handshake or congratulating gesture of some kind towards each other.

With each group that fought I found myself beginning to get more and more in to the sport, especially when Natalie, the girl whose hair I platted, went up to fight. I really began to get into it and started shouting her name and cheering. It was a real adrenaline rush!

"The boy" was 18th so I thankfully had 17 other fights to watch before his which I think helped me stay calm and get used to what I was going to see him doing sometime soon. It was a lovely atmosphere in the room and everyone was cheering everyone on, apart from of course me who had no idea what any of the moves or locks were called. It was reassuring to hear "the boy" shouting moves at other fighters as it reminded me that he does in fact know what he was doing and that he was not going to hurt himself or do anything silly.

When it was finally his turn to fight I was on the edge of my seat. I wanted to take photos but I wanted to watch it all. I wanted to shout but I didn't know what to say. I wanted him to know I was there supporting him but I didn't want to distract him. So I stayed quite, screaming him support from inside my mind.

Before the first round had even finished the guy he was fighting tapped out and Taz, my boyfriend, had won his first ever MMA fight. I can not even begin to explain how proud I was of him. All I could do was smile. Lots.

When he first stood up and everyone cheered a tiny scream slipped from my mouth before I had chance to stop it. Then out of our chairs myself and Boodge Lane jumped and we ran to hug and congratulate our brown boy.



I don't think that boy will ever know how much I care about him. He is quite honestly one of the most important people in my life right now, and I hope for a very long time to come. I know his love for me will never be what it is for Boodge Lane but that is something I have come to accept. I guess all relationships have their compromises and this is mine. Seeing him today made me so proud and right now I can not stop smiling and telling people about the boy who won his first ever fight and looked yummy while doing so!




nom <3

I think everyone has that friend

Who makes you smile when you feel a little lost. Who sits with you and talks about nothing. Who stands with you while you make food and who drinks cup after cup after cup of tea. Who appreciates you beyond measure. Who introduces you to new things and lets you introduce them to things also. Who, if even for a moment, uncovers that long lost passion you used to be. Who dreams awake with you and never cuts you down. Who opens up to you. Who lets you open up to them. Who never makes you feel silly for any way you may be feeling. Who makes time even when they sometimes don't actually have it. Who walks in the rain to you just to spend some time.

Stuck on repeat

How many times does a person need to make a mistake before they learn?!

It seems there are some scenes destined to play on repeat a couple more times before they are done. What I want to know is how many times is she going to make us do this before she learns that is it not helping or solving the problems?

You can't run away from your problems, they will only chase after you and get worse. You need to face them and tackle them until they are gone. And then you need to learn how to never invite them back into your lives again.

I just wish they would learn that!

Not your typical love story

They always show it in films. Boy meets girl. They begin to fall in love and somewhere along the way boy screws over girl. She gets hurt and is lost for a while. Then things change when girl meets nice boy. They fall in love and it's a happily ever after ending.

Not quite.

They neglect to show the bit where girl is so damaged by what the first boy did to her that no matter how perfect and lovely and special and silly and fun and nom the nice boy might be, she can't help but put him through the ringer. The bit where she still cries at night because she is so annoyed at herself for still being so insecure and paranoid. The bit where she spends moments of her days second guessing every word, action and motive, because that is what boy number one taught her best. The bit where she is scared, petrified, of pushing the nice boy away with all her emotional crap. And she knows it is, and she knows that this boy will never hurt her because he was a friend before anything else, and she knows that she can trust him completely and that his being distant at times is nothing more than a slight distraction from other commitments he has, and she knows that even though he doesn't say it often that he does care about her greatly because even just the smallest thing, like a wink across the classroom or a gentle stroke along her arm as he passes her in the canteen, tells her exactly just how much he already cares for her.

Yet despite all of this, boy number one, the one who should never even have had the chance to, damaged her more than any other person on this planet and that he continues to day by day with the emotional baggage he makes her carry round with her. And even when her past catches up with her and begins to intrude on her new life with her new lovely boy, even if it only be for a minute, that is a minute he has managed to ruin for them. A minute whereby she may just have pushed the new boy a little bit further away from her. A minute where she has just closed herself off that little bit more. A minute she will never get back.

A minute is everything.

So for all of these minutes I spend allowing my past to affect my future, I would like to say sorry and prey that I am lucky enough to have found the boy who will pursue through my baggage until eventually my bag is empty. The boy who makes me smile like no other and who will not take it away from me like so many have before. The boy who means it when he tells me how he feels about me and says that he is in it for the long haul.

And while I spend this time wishing and hoping that this is that boy, I promise I will and I am, doing my best to stop allowing my past to come back to me.

A little bit <3

Caved

So I caved. And after twenty days of being without Facebook I reactivated my account. This was not done because I missed it, because quite honestly I didn't. It was nice to live without the pressures of a cyber reality, to be contacted by my real friends through other methods, to see people rather than to talk to them for hours over one word wall comments that in reality meant nothing. In the last twenty days I have seen my friends more, had actual conversations, and felt a little lost.

It is amazing the amount of comfort that can come from an online existence, no matter how shallow or superficial it may be. To sit in a room at home with nothing to do can sometimes be a pleasure, other times it becomes a curse.

Part of my decision to leave Facebook is due to the distraction it created for me regarding my work. This distraction has not left me when Facebook did, instead I have found other ways to procrastinate from my work. Granted it has been more productive at times, such as physically seeing my friends, writing songs and learning the guitar, but it has still been there.

I still disagree with a lot of what Facebook represents, a society in which we can no longer communicate in through god given sources, a place where things are no longer 'official' until stated on Facebook and a tool by which we are able to create a false sense of self available to anyone to see, judge and comment via the simple aid of a 'like' button or a comment box.

We are slowly becoming a world where friendships will be unable to form and grow unless a computer screen is appropriately placed in front of ones eyes or a mobile with Internet access is held in ones hand. It is a world where major companies are beginning to rely on the fan pages of a social networking site and where a profile page literally has power over the user.

I can see us as a society, as a race, being sucked into an artificial world and as much as I am against it I am a part of it.

In the twenty minutes that I have been back on Facebook I have had 'best friends' talk to me more than in the entire 20 days I have been absent from it. I have been contacted about upcoming shows and have been welcomed back as though I were a family member who had not been home for a long time. This is the world we live in now and I am afraid to say that I am a part of it.

Surely it is better to be surrounded by cyber friends in an electronic world than to be all alone in a living breathing one?

Facebook is comfort. It is the place I go to and speak to friends when I am home alone and with no where to go for whatever reason. It is the site I visit to pass my time and to put off doing work and it is apparently the place where all my 'best friends' reside.

The Fall of Sleep

And I would like, Like to sing you to sleep

To sit beside you, Be there with you

And I would like, To be the one in the house

Who knew the night was cold

Who knew the night was cold

And I would like, Like to sing you to sleep

To sit beside you, Be there with you

<3

Go get your shovel and we'll dig a big hole

I blame you.

You bastard you will never know what you did to me! arghhhhh

Anyway... Time to go buy fake tan :)