ily

My mood changes like the weather. One moment I'm the happiest girl in the world, the next I don't want to speak to anyone and just want to sulk for no apparent reason, then I get the urge to cry, and then I just feel a bit numb and embarrassed as the mood begins to wear off, and finally I worry that I've pushed the boundaries with my self involved mood.

Nothing causes it, but nothing makes it just stay in the 'happiest girl in the world' stage either. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I annoy myself more than I annoy anyone else, but one thing that I never ever do is doubt this.

It doesn't matter how pissed off I may get, how sulky or needy I become because I still pinch myself everyday that this is actually happening. This is still a dream I never want to wake from, even when I'm moody.

Nothing Gonna Stop Us Now

Last night i suddenly realised that this is it, this is my life beginning. This is the part when the security of the past 22 years of education ends and i go at it on my own. This is the part where i no longer get a quarterly grant to help me pay my rent, or part time hours will cover food costs. This is the part where i have to start thinking to the future, and the future is a scary thing.

I've had my plans mapped out in the back of my mind for some time now. I've known for about a year what i intend to do once this roller-coaster life of uni comes to an end, but suddenly it all means something else. Something that little bit more scary, something that little bit more permanent, something a little bit more real.

Although for the past two, sort of three, years i haven't lived at home, i have never moved out. Come June however, all of that will change and i will be starting the most exciting, thrilling and nerve racking journey of my life.

People seem to constantly be telling me recently that i need to think about the future, about the what if's, that i need my back up plan, just in case my 'actual' plan doesn't work out. But that isn't a way i want to live, it is not a way i want to think. I want to embrace this next chapter of my life. It has no time limit on it as far as i am concerned, it could just be a matter of months, it could be years, it could be forever, but i won't know that unless i take this chance. So here i am, 22 years old and for the first time in my life i am preparing myself for living on the edge, for doing something rash, something dangerous and spontanious. People may think i am letting my heart lead and not my head but at least i know that i won't be alone, and for every step i take, i will have a set of footprints next to mine.

Let them say we're crazy
I don't care about that
Put your hand in my hand
Don't ever look back

I'd Lie

Isn't it nice when there are songs you can totally 100%ly relate to..

Isn't it even nicer when you no longer can.

He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?

He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

nightmares and fairytales

sometimes horrible things happen, things that you cannot erase from your memory no matter how hard you try. you close your eyes and you are met with the image of that moment, that event, that nightmare. your sleep becomes disturbed and no matter how hard you try you can not switch off from it.

yet despite the living nightmare, despite the tears and the panic attacks and the fear, there is still that person who holds your hand, who smiles at you across a room, who secretly grazes your hand and sends you reassuring text messages. a person who in an instant makes you forget the nightmare, and for that moment, welcomes in a brand new dream.

a person who brings you back to life.

Passion

It's something everyone should have, something they should hold on to with all their power. It is something that defines a person, that makes them unique. Something that keeps them going, even through the tough times. It is the reason to get up in the morning and the want to face the day ahead. It is the reason to sleep, as well as the reason not to.

It is something, that recently, i have lost.

I don't know where it went, and I'm not quite sure when, but I do have a small idea why I lost it.

The place I came to study, to learn more about my passion, to help it grow, eventually became the thing that killed it. I don't see the point anymore, and I don't regret the decisions I make. Getting up and putting on my make up is a task, a chore. I no longer have that enthusiasm I once had.

I'm not academic, I'm not the top of the class anymore, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to change that, that others will still get further ahead without trying. I work twice as hard to be half as good.

I watch television shows and crave to feel the passion that the fictional characters dancing across my screen feel. I long to have someone script my life out for me and to give me the motivation I had three years ago already built in.

But three years ago was a long time ago, and what I had then I don't now. I am a different person, a person I, on a whole, prefer. But I am a person without spark, without motivation, without enthusiasm and without passion.

And now, instead, I wait for the day my 'real' life can begin.

I find the way you write so endearing

The way you hold the paper in your hand

The way you slouch about on messy cushions

Never daring to make a sound when

The TV is on and it’s late at night
Our favourite movie’s playing all night long
The snow falls on the windowsill outside it’s cold
Hot chocolate, wrapped up, holding hands it is
Another winter, another day
Another hour I have spent with you
Time passes slowly, I have to say
That I'm glad that I spent it with you
Spent it with you

Special

It's amazing how something someone said 9 months ago can suddenly make everything that is wrong with this day now so right again.

To look through that little book of happiness someone made you a year and a half ago and to see the things people said that you felt were so special that they deserved their own little page for days like these makes you realise just how long that special person has been special for.

Even before you knew they were.

Thank you for being part of my life and for always being that special person, even before we both knew it. You make me smile on my blue days.