There's a little bit of Meredith in all of us

Tell me why

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bullet proof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me and then you cut me down

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

I doon't know Jeff

Sometimes the best words to describe how you feel are those of others

Don't Speak

Falling in love with your best friend can be the most precious amazing gift anyone can be handed.
It can also be the most painful numbing experience of your life.
A dark hole with no way out of it.
Because when one of you falls out of love, or was never even in love in the first place, you don't just lose your boyfriend, you lose your best friend and all the light you had is gone.



I really feel like I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go
And if its real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Not the best of quality...

A whole bunch of maybes and a pocket full of tears

I just want to write a blog. To get it off my chest. To stop me from saying the same thing over and over and over again to my friends. To stop me gasping for breath and to stop me crying a flood of tears.

Part of me hopes my words will be beautiful, that they will fill the page delicately with my new found heartache, that they will touch people and let them see honestly, just how numb and hurt and betrayed as I feel right now. But I cannot promise that. All I can promise is that these words will be true.

I've wrote before about heartache. God knows I have. About the boys who have wronged me. About when the one who you thought was going to be the one who fixed it turns out to be the one who hurts you most of all. About the cheating boy. About the liar. About the boys I hate. About the ones who have made me cold. About the best friends.

And about "the boy".

The one who I honestly, truly, above anyone else I thought - I knew - was going to going to be a keeper. The one who was going to make me trust again. The one who was going to stay throughout all of my emotional crap all the other boys had left me with. The one who was going to make me trust again and learn to love again. About the one I thought was going to be my Prince Charming.

Apparently I was wrong again.

I've said it before and I will say it again - I always know. I know when something is wrong, when things aren't going right. And I tell my friends, and they convince me, they promise me, that I am just being paranoid, that I am just being a worry guts and that I have nothing, at all, to worry about. But in the end I am always right.

I knew again. That he was being weird. That things were going wrong. That he was being distant. And I tried to convince myself that it was my hormones, that I was being silly, that he was just distracted because of his fight. And I believed me.

Because I believed him.

To have your heart broken is painful. To have your heart broken by your best friend is soul destroying. To have your heart broken by your best friend who promised from the beginning when you told him you were worried, when you said you didn't want to rush into things, that you didn't want to get hurt again and that you didn't want to lose your best friend again, that that would never happen, that he was in it for the long haul, does exactly what it says on the tin.

People can talk, and they can judge. They can say that after barely two months you can't love someone enough to feel like this. They're wrong. This wasn't just a first time, this was a second time. A second chance. To undo all the crap I did to him before, to make up for all my mistakes and to love him the way I only wish I had been brave enough to the first time. This was my second chance so of course I fell in to it irrationally.

I gave it my all because I believed in it. And I still do.

He says he loves me. With all his heart apparently. Yet apparently a whole heart is no longer enough. Not when that heart is shared with other people. And it doesn't matter than those other people do not love him back. It doesn't matter than I am the one who sticks by him, who cares for him, who stays awake with him, who just watches him, who goes to see his fights and cheers him on. None of that matters when parts of the 'whole heart' that is given to one person is being shared between many.

Maybe he doesn't know what real love is.

Maybe he is taking everything he has for granted.

Maybe, hopefully, in the morning he will regret all of this.

Maybe he will read this and realise just how much he is throwing away for the sake of a list of girls who will never care for him in the way I do.

Maybe.

And for tonight at least, I will live on these 'maybes'. I will wish and pray and hope that I wake up in the morning to "the boy" I fell for, not just once but twice. And I will fight for him. Because surely something this precious should not be let go of without a fight.