Do you ever feel like you're a robot?
Like you're on auto pilot and you're just walking through life and not noticing or feeling anything. Your best friend could die and you still wouldn't cry because you actually, physically, completely 100% have nothing else to give.
You're drained, emotionless and for the first time in your life you actually know what it feels like to be empty.
That's how i am.

Its a new kind of empty, its not the same as when you were a teenager and you would lock yourself in your room and cut yourself while writing songs about how much the blood flowed this time, that was something everyone goes through, something personal, something you did to yourself. This is something someone else has done to you.

You don't shine anymore, your light is completely blown out and you have no fire left to light it again.

And the stupid thing is, you don't even hate the person who did this to you because you don't have the ability to. You really have lost everything.

Every emotion you were once capable of feeling is lost, gone and not coming back. Not anytime soon.

You don't even feel broken because to be broken you'd have to feel something. And you don't.

Again.

It's amazing how much can happen in a week. How many peoples lives can change. How many friends can be made and how many friends can be lost, all because of one lie.

Finally the truth has come out. I was right all along. I was right to be jealous. I was right not to trust you. I was right not to give up that one thing that would have made me yours. I was right to speak to the source. I was right to hold back my friends fire until I knew. I was right to end it. I was right.

They always say I read too much into things, that I look for trouble. I take something perfect and try to find all the imperfections in it because I need it to be wrong and bad and tainted. But I only look for these things because I always know that in the end I'm going to be right. And I was. Again.

It's the lies that hurt the most. The lies you've told me about the feelings you've had. The lies you've told me about people who were once my friends and how you've turned me against them. The lies you've told people about me and the new friends I've lost because of it.

You made me open up and you made me give more than I was willing to because you made me believe I could trust you. I told you my stories and my fears and feelings and you reassured me that you would never hurt me, when all along you knew that already you were hurting me, I just hadn't realised yet.

And then you lied. Again and again and again. You made me feel stupid for being jealous when really I was right all along. You made me believe that she was crazy and reading into things when really you were telling her the same all along about me. I gave you the chance to end it so many times and you said you couldn't, that you didn't want to, that you just wanted to be with me. And then you went home to her and used the exact same lines on her. And she believed you too.

I should be breaking. I should be crying and unable to go on. But I don't even have that anymore. I can't feel anything because I don't think my emotions exist anymore. You bought me out of the hole I was in and dropped me into a pit. And you loved me along the way.

Of all the people who have hurt me I never thought you would. I never thought you would turn out to be the person who made me incapable of feeling because honestly, I believed in you.

I meant every single word I said to you.

Every single feeling I felt was real.

Each time I cried, I cried because I meant it.

Now I don't even have that. You mean nothing to me now. You're just a boy I once knew. A boy who broke my heart and added to all the hurt that I already carry round with me. You made me trust you and then you took it all away because of one lie. One lie I didn't even look for. One lie I had no idea about. One lie you could have confessed to weeks ago. One lie you didn't even need to start in the first place.

I hope you're happy now.

I don't know what to write.

Usually I write about my emotions, about whats bugging me, whats on my mind. But tonight there isn't anything to write about, even though there should be.

There should be so much for me to cry over, so much to make me angry to make me need to share my bed with my best friend because I just can't stand to be on my own. It would make sense to be how I was last week, crying in the rain slumped up a bus stop unable to walk anymore. But I'm not.

I've given up, lost my emotions, I've got nothing more to give and I couldn't feel any calmer about the whole thing.

My friends are angry, my friends want me to be angry. But I just don't feel it.

I've done my crying. I've shed my tears. I've been angry and I've been jealous. I've been paranoid and I've been irrational. I've cared and I've cared and I've cared until I've had nothing else to give and have broken down. But now I don't even have that.
And I'm OK with that.

I'm OK with rising above it. I'm OK with knowing that however it turns out, that whoever gets hurt, I haven't done anything wrong. At all. If anything I'm the victim. I don't mind that. Not anymore.

Together they've broken me. Every single one of them. And some have started to put me back together again before deciding to break me again and now I'm done. I'm done being broken. I'm done letting them. I'm done letting my friends glue me back together because they shouldn't have to.

Maybe this break is the best thing to ever happen to me. Maybe this is the break that fixed me. The one that's finally made me realise that the only person who isn't going to hurt me is myself. I'm happy now, if this is how it is, if he chooses her that's fine, if he chooses me that's fine, but if he chooses me I don't know if I even care now. In my mind it ended the moment she said they were together. Whether they are or not now it doesn't matter.

I've said it too many times that they're not gonna break me anymore.. Maybe its about time its true.

Breathe

Hes not going to hurt you
Hes not going to break you
Hes not going to be like all the others
Hes told you a million times you can trust him. Believe him. Breathe.

He might be the one who fixes it all if you give him the chance. So give it to him.

Sleep. Forget about it. Come back to it tomorrow if you must but don't worry about it now.
Its 3am in the morning. Nothing is worth the worry at this time. Breathe.

Remember why you like him.
Remember why you care enough to worry this much.
Remember why it hurt when you thought you'd ruined it.
Remember why you never want to feel like that again.
Remember all the reasons you have to trust him. Believe them. Breathe.

He might be the one who fixes it all if you give him the chance. So give it to him.

Breathe.

Because of you

Because of you I find it hard to trust
Because of you I am affraid
Because of you I can't let anyone in
Because of you I lie awake at night
Because of you I ruin it everytime

You have no idea just how much you broke me. But you did.

I'm a dick. I'm addicted to you.

I didn't think you would be the guy I would drunkenly cry over. I thought that phase had passed, that you were the one who was going to break that cycle. Maybe I was wrong. Hopefully I was wrong about being wrong.

I don't think you're the guy who is going to use me.
I don't think you're the guy I need to create barriers against to protect me from.
I don't think you're the guy I cry about because I don't trust you.

I think you're the guy I cry over because I care.
I think you're the guy I'm affraid to fall for because I know it won't just be a momentory thing.
I think you're the guy who is going to break down my barriers.
I think you're the guy I'm going to finally let in.
I think you're the guy who is going to make me learn to trust again.
I think you're the guy who is going to make give 110% without even knowing.
I think you're the guy who is never going to break my heart without meaning to.
I think you're the guy I am going to love one day.

That is why I drunkenly cry over you.

It is because I care.
It is because I don't want to hurt you.
It is because I don't want you to hurt me.
It is because I am scared to let you in because of every bad thing every other guy has ever done.
It is because I know I am already falling for you and I am scared it is too soon.
It is because I know you are already falling for me and I am scared it is too soon.
It is because you are the guy who has already started to break down my walls I've built and I don't want to put them back up.
It is because I am scared of letting you down, of being too closed off because of the past.

So I send you long messages. And I cry when I get home. Not because you've hurt me, but because you've made me care and I'm scared that I may have hurt you.

I care more than you will know, because it would not 'be cool' to tell you, because I am scared to let you kow just how much you already have me.

I care. And it scares me, because all it has ever led to in the past is pain and me looking like a fool.

You found me
When no one else was looking
How did you know just where I would be
You broke through all of my confusion
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
The good and the bad and the things in between
You found me

All the things I've been through the past few months, they're all over now. And I only have one person to thank. And that's you.

My friends have all been there for me, pulled me up countless times, stopped me doing silly things when I completely lost myself, and then along came you. The lyrics quite literally sum it up perfectly. You found me, when I had given up on Princes and Princess', love stories and happily ever afters you showed me that actually they do exist. Right when I had stopped believing.

It's such a cliche that we met how we did.. Playing the male and female leads in the Christmas panto, and it is so amazing that we don't have to just act the chemistry but actually have it in real life.

There are so many things about you I already adore, me, the girl who a few weeks ago was a closed off cold hearted bitch who had stopped letting anyone new, especially boys, into her life because she had been hurt so many times before, is now adoring things about another person!

You make me smile lots and you make me laugh, I can be 100% myself around you and I know you'll still like me, you make me want to spend all the time in the world with you when we're together and miss you like crazy when you're gone. I want to wake up next to you in a morning and fall asleep with you at night, i want to watch you sleep and look after you when you are drunk. You have this cute little smile you do and your laugh instantly makes me happy. I like the way you smell when you come round and I like how your smell changes while you're here, I like how my room is filled of your smell when you leave and how it gives me something to cuddle up to at night when you're not here. I like the smile you reserve for me only and I like the way you switch eyes when you look at me. I like how I get annoyed at your "I win" so much, but never enough to actually be properly pissed off or annoyed. I like how you wake me up when I'm tired and how in a morning I'm generally in a better mood if you're there. I like how I want to make plans with you for random days out and for your birthday and how you let me make them and don't make me feel silly. I like the way your hands touch my back when we're kissing. I like the way you tease me. I like how you lock your arms around me just right when we go to sleep and I like how you stay calm when I hit you or shout at you for snoring. I like how after one night you bought snoring silence because you knew we'd be spending more than that one night together. I like how I care enough to get jealous of a hoover on your neck and I like how you act when you're a complete drunken fool. I like the way you kiss my forehead and the way you play with my blonde bit of hair. I like the silly things we talk about and I like holding hands with you when we walk places.

I like all these things about you and I still have more I could say.

It makes me smile the things you say to me, like when you compared my eyes to the feeling you got when you first saw Man Utd and how you couldn't look away. It makes me smile how you said you're falling for me, because I don't want to be the only one falling.

I have been lonely for a long time. And I have been hurt many times. I have been broken and I have fixed, and every time I've glued myself back together I've fallen apart again, but I don't find myself breaking this time, and I don't think you're the guy who would do that to me. I think you're the guy I've been waiting for, the one who is finally going to put me back together for good, the one who will make me smile even when I'm feeling down, the one who will come and sit with me when I am ill and laugh at my DVD collection. You're the boy they talk about in fairy tales, and once again I believe in Princes and Princess', in love and happily ever afters. I believe in all that again because of you <3

And you said "This is the first day of my life
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"