My 2010

It is only after reading back the blogs of the last year that I realise just how emotional it has been. I started it still getting over the pain of finding out I had been cheated on. The Christmas break at home I had spent mostly crying, the new years I had spent with my lifers.

January saw me creating my list of 100 things to do before I die. Some of them I had already achieved upon creating it, others I have achieved since, and some spaces are still left blank. It saw the end of one semester and the start of another, a new group of class mates as all of my best friends has been put in another class. It saw me reunited with old friends and it was probably the most messed up my head has been in a long time. Too many thoughts to process, too many emotions to deal with, too much feeling lonely and too much wishing for someone to take it away for me rather than doing it for myself.

How glad I am that I am past that now.

The year began to pick up during February when I had my 21st and a half birthday and I finally, for one night only, got to be a mermaid. As usual I crushed on several people, longing for someone to come and undo all the wrong that I was left with the previous December. That is a scene that played a lot the beginning of this year. And March finally brought the person I had been waiting for. How quickly it ended leaving me even more hurt than anything that had gone before.

To put pressure like that on to someone, to expect them to undo things that can never really be undone, to want and to wish them to be the perfect model who makes everything in your life suddenly fall into place is the most selfish act a person can ever make. This year I was guilty of that at least.

For me May was the most colourful month, painted with a thousand shades of black, but also with a million bright colours cleverly mixed in. It was the month of the big show, this year it was Zombie Prom. It was the month of the after show party and it was the month of the summer ball, where we spend silly amounts of money on dresses and shoes and make up and accessories to spend an entire day and night in the appropriately named student union bar The Dive. It is a day where you drink from dawn until dusk and shave your legs while drunk. It is the day you have photos of the girls in the kitchen "where they belong" and the boys in the garden with Nick Clegg. It is a day spent on cheap crappy fair rides that couldn't be any more fun if they tried and it is a night spent with your best friends dancing in shoes you can't walk in on a floor you can't not stick to. It is the best day of the uni year and it is what started off the my summer 2010.

A week in Brighton, an album, three weeks in London with seven truly amazing people, a show with a cast of 400+, trains and tubes, shopping and sun burning, trampolining in the rain and BBQs in the oven. Making sandwiches for seven people at 6.30am, sitting on the grass eating them at 1pm, tents flooding and mice making the director use you as a human shield. Crashing halls on the last night, the scary American security guard, back cracking and drinking wine from the bottle in 1st class on the way home and the many, many appearances of Percy the Gay Owl (Meow).

And then comes the beginning of the last chapter of my life at uni. A ten bedroom house with eight amazing house mates, a job with a theatre in education company, letting go and forgiving all the boys of the last year and finally being content in my own skin. It is the happiest I have been in a long time. Perhaps ever.

Of course there are still the down times. The stress of the third year of uni finally kicking in, the most stressful module to date and my Mom suffering a stroke at the age of 51.

It is a phone call I shall never forget, and an image that will haunt me for life, but having her home and well for Christmas has been the best gift I could ever receive.

To think you could lose a parent puts a lot of things into perspective so I start 2011 positivity, with my lifers and my house mates, I start it ready to cross off even more things from my list of 100 things to do before I die, I start it content and not wishing on someone to come and make everything right, because right now, this is as right as life has ever been.

Thank you 2010 <3

time for a good bit of change

it may be a few days early but i've been thinking about my new years resolutions the last few days so i thought i should write them all down.

for anyone who reads my blog you will probably have come to notice that i am full of good intentions such as learning sign language, or swimming at least once a week but that i never blog about them again, technically meaning that apart from my initial blog it never went any further.

for this reason my new years resolutions are going to be one's i can actually see me doing.

so here goes...

1) Be organised with work. Timetable my time accordingly and spend a good deal of time on my dissertation.

2) Finish the last two Harry Potter books. (I still don't know what happens so shush!)

3) Find some sparkly converse for Sam's wedding.

4) Lose some weight and tone up in time for the wedding, remember I am going to be standing next to Adele wearing the same dress.. People will judge!

5) Get my sleep pattern back. Going to bed at 5am and waking up at 3pm is not good for anyone, even if I am a student.

i think for now at least that this is a far as my resolutions go. i shall try and keep them updated :)

remember remember

it is the time for reminiscing, for making plans that will never happen, for talking about what could have been and for trying to recreate moments of old. it is the last time we will get to do these things so freely. the last chance to stay up all night talking, to sleep in all day with no real care in the world. it is the last time we can all be together like this without any other obligations. the 'real world' won't come calling for another 5 months, those 5 months will be over in the blink of an eye so we should be so careful not to waste them.

lets not step on eggshells for fear of bringing to surface an old wound, lets just enjoy it. we have the rest of forever to get heartbroken, to fall in love, to work and to not have time. this is not the time for that. so lets not.

flowers may fall

there is a boy, as there always is. he is a boy who i have liked for a long time, for far too long than i care to remember. he is a boy who has been there with me through the hard times, and who has been with me through the good times. we have shared the laughs and we have shared the tears.
but nothing is ever that easy.

sometimes i wonder what i am doing here. but then it is times like these that make me remember that even if i don't come out of this in the way i would prefer, that i have gained so so much more than anything i had ever imagined.

these are the days that will shape me. that will set the course for the way i am intended to spend the rest of my days. and one day soon, i still believe that my life will fall nicely into place.
even if it is not the way i had imagined.

Not tonight, but soon. Soon things will fall in to place.

I'm Not Too Sure..

And so the nights do pass us
As the stars shine and shine
Looking down on the distant world
The clock begins to chime

The feet of many people
Pass us as we walk
We ignore the rhythmic sounds they make
And silently we talk

Words fail to come to much
A blunder of sounds
Creating a deafening din
No ears listen now

The days and nights pass us
The sun sets and the moon falls
And still we fail to notice
All of what we cause